11/29 4:45 pm

I got to the shower first today.  I remembered my towels and my soaps. So far this is my biggest accomplishment today. I am tired.  I had the coffee my mom made for me and just trying to process the night. I am trying to get my positive mindset in check. Groundhog's day.

The surgeon came in to assess Ethan's incision.  It was covered with a dressing.  She carefully and gently peeled it back.  It looks beautiful. I told her I thought she did a good job. He was in one piece and not broken.  He still has his chest tubes and his pacing wires.  The area where they removed his pace maker and defibrillator looks really good.  It is weird not to see the square bump under his skin where is protruded.

There was shift change.  Newbie is back. Newbie is a kind, gentle and soft spoken man.  He is learning but his personality is nice. They paired this man with Nurse Loudmouth Bossy-Pants. She is the type to make you aware there is a hyphen in her name and make you pronounce her last name as Bossy Hyphen Pants each time you address her. Nurse LM-BP (Loudmouth Bossy-Pants, don't forget the hyphen) has one volume to her voice.  Extra freaking loud. She also seems to enjoy allowing the alarms to go off despite my efforts of asking nicely to silence them. They are driving Ethan and myself crazy. At one point she just sat her butt in the chair calling off orders to newbie as if he were her "bitch". I think she extra thrives if multiple alarms are going off. She yell talks to anyone she can.  She calls me "Mama Bear". Excuse me while I wipe my annoyance off my face. My mama bear is saved for times it is needed. Like the time I got escorted out of the lobby of the elementary school into a side room. I don’t just walk around as a Mama Bear all the time.

I am an introvert.  I like things quiet.  I don't love having lots of people around all the time. Continuously loud people suck my energy and I often find when I am around them that I need a break. That's on a day where I have all my whits about me. I enjoy people, but I enjoy my quiet to recharge.  I have not had the opportunity to recharge in well over a week. I have been hanging in there pretty good for the most part. Last night was a tough one.  Then Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) walks in and I have reached my breaking point.

Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) started vomiting orders all over newbie. So many orders that they were all pooling on the floor in a vomit pile as newbie was trying to keep up. I was so proud of newbie this morning too.  It was the first time that he presented at rounds which is not an easy task.  He basically goes over everything the nurse on the shift before did, noticed, changed and how Ethan reacted, down to the tiniest toe wiggle he did. He did a good job.  That would be so intimidating. There are so many people zinging out questions about medications and doses. Ethan has 14 pumps. 14 things 14 medications that need to be kept track of.  The doses change frequently with each crisis he has.

Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) talks out in the hall so loudly I swear the windows are rattling. My energy was in the negative numbers.  I was fighting back tears and had that choking lump in the back of my throat.  I just want a minute to myself.  I can't go anywhere in this hospital for peace and quiet, where I can just process my emotions privately and quietly. Stupid covid.  The parents lounge is closed. There are no areas to really sit anywhere and I don't want to openly weep while walking down the street.

After rounds, the doctors decided to just pace Ethan for the next 24 hours. This will not allow the atrial flutter to occur. Ethan’s blood pressure is shifting a little and they can support him on meds. This will eliminate the whole idea of shocking him, which everyone feels is a terrible idea. They continue to tweak his meds based on his needs.

Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) turned to me after rounds and in her harsh, clangorous voice tells me to just relax maybe I should go take a shower. Thankfully I have my mask on, to hide my stinky face I was making. I just wanted to shout at her "I ALREADY TOOK A SHOWER.  THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE TODAY. I AM CLEAN. IAM DRESSED. I AM TIRED.  I HAVE BAGS FULLOF WORRY UNDER MY EYES. MY HAIR IS AIR DRIED AND LIKELY MESSY.  I HAVE HAD A ROUGH WEEK AND YOUR LOUD ASS ISN'T HELPLING ME AT ALL. YOU GO TAKE A SHOWER." Luckily my filter caught my thoughts and quickly spun them into a different sentence that was more like " I am going to leave for a little bit while he is resting.  I left my phone number on the board for you if you should need it."

I left my phone number and walked back to the apartment.  I called Paul.  I let him know my true feelings about Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) with very colorful language. I will be speaking to someone and letting them know that she is not a good fit for us.

In the solace of the apartment, I let all of my frustration, tiredness, anxiety, worry and loathe for Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) and everything I have been saving up for a quiet moment to myself.  It felt so good to just release without an audience. This woman is likely a very nice woman but today I just couldn't like her.

I called my friend Heather.  She listened to me cry for a little bit.  She gave me a good pep talk.  We then got talking about funny things and we were sharing some good belly laughs together by the end of the conversation. That was what I needed. 

I don't like being away from the hospital.  I know that Ethan is in good hands, noisy hands, but good hands. But I just have this anxiety that swirls around and makes me feel like I have the Rockettes in my stomach. The feeling is not good. So I went back feeling like I was in a better frame of mind to handle Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen). 

When I got back, Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) was in the room with Ethan.  I said hello and asked how he did.  She LOUDLY said that he was stable and is zonked and was nonresponsive, wasn't answering her. I grabbed Ethan's hand and squeezed it.  I have my own squeeze I do.  I have done this squeeze since Ethan was little. I said "Hi Ethan, it's Mom. Are you comfortable?" He shook his head yes.  I then asked him if he was in any pain and he shook his head no. Ha! He just wasn't answering her. Hilarious. Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) walked out of the room and I leaned over and whispered in his ear "She's too much for me too."

I then let the nurses I was going to try and lay down for a nap. I shut the door. Of course I never once heard newbie. Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) was in and out of the room yacking away and let the alarms ring non stop.  She even bumped into me with her butt. No naps.  But I will catch up tonight.

Today Ethan had a day of rest.  I put on some reggae and Grateful Dead for him to listen to.  We listen to that at campfires and when we are camping, just relaxing.  I hoped he felt a relaxing ambiance in the room from it. He had to be so tired from last night. They seem to have him in a stable place.  A day of rest is a day of healing.  It is one less day he has to do it in a conscious state. I am hoping things continue like this for tonight.  Fingers crossed.  But the best news of all is that Nurse LM-BP (don't forget the hyphen) is almost done with her shift.  I hope I have a familiar face tonight.

Ps. I appreciated the funny texts I received with memes or funny videos. They really did help. 😊