Ethan’s Journey

 Paul came home from work tonight as I was pulling out of the driveway. I am not sure what happened because it happened so quick.  I was finished with work and sitting on the couch to clear my mind, scrolling on Facebook. This beautiful pittbull appeared along side of a desperate plea for someone to adopt this dog. He was the perfect combination of meatball and cinderblock. I asked the person about him and she asked if I could come meet him right now? So there I was, no time to think. I jumped in the car. I drove to the address given, radio off. What am I doing? Am I ready to do this? I don’t really think I am ready. Sometimes I have to just trust life. Paul and I have both talked about how much we miss Phineas. But we also enjoy the equilibrium of the house. 95% of the animal duties I take care of, so I know this will be rightfully my project, my hobby. I pull up to the house and knock on the door. I was met with a hearty low and scary bark, just the way I like it. He had the pittbull

Paul and I slept in today. It was much needed. My nose wouldn’t stop getting plugged and causing me to have over the top sneezes like my dad used to do. They would echo through the neighborhood.  Avery and I did chores together. She was a big help. This afternoon I did pretty much nothing. I sat on the couch, alone with my thoughts, recuperating from last week.  Ethan, his buddy and Paul did more man things in the garage. It was a productive day but also a lazy one as well. I had good intentions of checking my work email, but I didn’t. I am not sorry about it either. I listened to a podcast on emotional intelligence and acknowledging/validating feelings. It is for the leadership program I am involved in over the next year. It basically went into how to recognize, understand and express your acceptance of another person’s feelings. This can help create a space for them to process their emotions without the worry of being judged.   We all hide our feelings. Every day. How many times have

 Avery came home this morning before she had to go to work. Paul and I slept in, so I didn’t get to see her for very long. I told her she can wake me up the next time. I typically don’t wake up well and swing at people…so I told her to stay down by my feet. Ethan had some of the guys over today. They worked on their go carts and rode them around the field. They are fine tuning them for next weekends big go cart event near our house. Ethan is pretty excited for it. I was glad Ethan had a fun day. He deserved it after the week he has had. I still felt off and tired today. It seemed to improve as the day went on.I just feel lethargic and unmotivated. I still have a runny nose and am certain this is viral. I got another week to go before it should run it’s course. Paul also felt tired and sluggish. We still accomplished a lot of “get ready for the cold weather” chores. This evening there was a short time where all 4 of us were in the living room together. It was nice. Then Paul got grossed

 NO REJECTION!!!!!! Great news for Ethan! We got our Indian Summer. The past few days have been so beautiful. The weather is warm. The sun is out. The leaves are colorful. Fall is amazing. Theo enjoyed his day outside. I was so thankful that we didn’t have any appointments to go to today. One day in a row. The appointments take so much out of me. The worry, the dread, the screaming, the smells reminiscent of ICU days and don’t forget the alarms. The alarms push me over the edge. They just hit a nerve in the wrong way and induce a weird form of a cross between rage and anxiety. I am so thankful it is over for the next few months. Phew! Today I learned that I might have to go back to NYC. Not because of Ethan, but there is a veterinary event that my company would like me to be present for. I am still learning the details but it is in a week and a half. Yikes. I was having trouble focusing today. I think I am just tired. I ended up after work in the back yard by our stick pile. I was cutt

 Is it too late to put Ethan up for adoption? He has been a lot of work this week. Today we went back to the eye doctor. They confirmed that there is rust in Ethan’s eye and they prescribed a steroid. We have to go back in 2 weeks.  At the appointment Ethan inquired if this steroid medication was going to interfere with his other medications! That is a GREAT question for him to ask and to be thinking about. I praised him for the forward thinking on his part. Ethan didn’t complain once about his entry sites on his neck and wrist from where they inserted the wires into his heart. What a beast! These trips to NYC really tire me out. I was recovering from a non-alcoholic, NYC hangover…just feeling exhausted from the emotional fatigue of the trip.  I am thankful tomorrow is Friday.

 We were up bright and early to get to the hospital by 7:00 am. We are a well oiled machine. Uber was scheduled last night. We know the drill. We got to the hospital and we were delightfully surprised with one of Ethan’s old 9Tower nurses as his nurse today. He was the nurse that had a calm and soothing voice. He was kind and gentle when he was Ethan’s nurse in 9 Tower. He was a gift today. They came in and got Ethan all ready for his procedure. His doctor came in and let him know the drill. They took Ethan and I ran over to the donor center for my blood draw. That went well and I found my little tucked away nook that I escape to. There is a bathroom there, a one person bathroom that some guy went in, he blessed me with a symphony of bowel distress noises. While he was in there another guy showed up and was asking me if I was in line. NO WAY! I wouldn’t use that bathroom after whatever massacre was going on in there. I politely said “no” and this man happily waited for the bathroom to

 Off to NYC we went. Ethan drove the first 2 1/2 hours while I worked. Our departure was uneventful. He did well until we were switching highways in Syracuse and we got a call. It was from NYC saying that we had to be to the hospital early because Ethan needed an iv and fluids prior to the procedure. This is something we were never told. Anyone who knows Ethan, knows that he does NOT like surprises. He immediately went to anger. Ugh! Not a little anger, ALOT of anger. He and I discussed his options. I know the right thing to do is to have him get fluids ahead of time, but it is also important that his voice is heard and respected regarding his body and treatment. We decided that we would ask his doctor to see if he could skip the iv catheter with fluids.  His doctor wrote back and said that he could skip the iv and the fluids. He considered this a win and was happy that he was listened to. This same doctor sent Ethan a questionnaire to see how he was feeling about switching over to an

 I woke up feeling a little better. I still have a scratchy throat and a heaviness in my chest. Masking up for sure! I don’t want to pass this along to anyone. What a week for Ethan. This morning we went to the eye doctor. What a change now from a year ago. A year ago he would have been angry, difficult to be around and even rude to the staff. Today, he was pleasant in the car on the way to the doctors office. He had educated himself prior to the appointment and watched videos on what they were going to do to remove this piece of metal. We made our way to the appropriate floor and checked in. There was no complaining about what a waste of time this was for him. This is a positive change. He was talking and had a positive attitude. He was polite to the doctor and even smiled multiple times. We revisited the fact that his vision isn’t the best in his right eye and could benefit from glasses. When this was brought up in 2021, he was NOT going to wear glasses. Today he was open to the idea

I woke up feeling like hot garbage. My ears were plugged, throat was swollen and sore and my head hurt. Oh boy! I have the dreaded ick from traveling. I did panic a bit as I was thinking about wearing a mask for the 6 hour drive in the car. But it doesn’t stop there, we are sharing a hotel room. Ugh! Sleeping with a mask on, AGAIN. At least it is only for one night. Avery joined me and I cautioned her to stay away. We chatted about her choosing her classes for next semester. Ethan then came down and we were commenting about silly things the dogs were doing, what was in the news and other trivial non-sense. They were having their brother and sister teasing time. Ethan was complaining that his eye was bothering him. He got a sliver of metal in his eye. It must have ricocheted under his safety glasses. He has a small dark mark on his eye which you can see in the photo. His eye is red and a little bit swollen. The eye is irritated but he can see ok.  We were talking about what he should do

 Ethan went to Cars and Coffee this morning. When he got home, Avery had arrived. Avery wanted to stop home before working. We chatted and talked about different things and it was nice to have them both there. We talked about feeling like we all have the Seasonal Affective Disorder. All 3 of us were feeling it. I actually looked into getting a light to see if it would help.  I am pretty sure I just need a trip to the carribean. Ethan asked me if we could go to the Estate Sale store together after Avery left. He is on the look out for tools. We ended up going and it was a relaxing trip. I was telling him how I have noticed his improvements and that he is healing. He said he didn’t see it, but I was able to point out a bunch of stuff he is doing now, that he wasn’t a year ago. I booked our hotel for Tuesday and we are ready to go with that. I was feeling run down and took a nap. When I woke up, Ethan was also napping. I guess it is a nap kind of day. Paul and I went to a Halloween party

I am feeling emotionally drained. Being around people constantly for a few days in a row really takes a lot out of me. It is kind of my introvert kryptonite. All the stimulation of sounds, smells, conversations, lights, and activity pick away at my soul and I haven’t had a proper recharge. I knew this would happen. I told Paul earlier in the week that I was going to lay low this weekend. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy myself, because I really did. It’s just an unbalanced energy exchange.  This conference was a very profound experience and I really love that I work for a company that is willing to invest in trying to make a change in our broken industry. The hard part is trying to step back and evaluate myself and where I can improve. I do feel with my current position this may help me more personally than professionally. Either way, growth is growth. Things happen for a reason and we don’t always quite understand why. I am hoping that I will be able to communicate more effectively with

Today was a long but good day. At our leadership seminar we learned, saw and discussed different topics to raise self awareness. It was very interesting to watch it play out. I was engaged the entire time. On every break I logged into work and was able to facilitate a few more hires as I slowly exit my southern territory. One thing we learned is that we should have a journal and reflect daily. Check! After the all day seminar we went to an escape room with our smaller groups. We had to work together and break out of our room. It was interesting to have 12 people trying to work together. It was a bit chaotic but in a supportive way. I did realize that I am confident in groups of people in this type of scenario. But I probably shouldn’t be. Ha! I have the art of confidence down….even for things I am not right about. Scary thing is, I can convince them I am right, but I am not. So this happened tonight. We didn’t escape. It wasn’t all my fault, but I didn’t help as much as I could have. E

 Early morning this morning. I got myself out the door and to the airport on time. Some mentally dull people parked themselves right next to me. The overwhelming scent of cat urine was enough to have me panicking that I was going to have to sit next to them on the flight. Thankfully, the guy I was sitting next to was upgraded and I had my row to myself (it was a small plane). I took an Uber to the hotel and checked in early.  I realized that I had forgotten my hair straightener. Darn it! Now I am going to look like Godzilla that got electrocuted tomorrow! I googled where the closest store was to purchase one (even stopped at a few places in the airport) and remembered my trusty old friend Instacart! I popped on, ordered one to be delivered and the fee for delivery was less than one way of the Uber ride….money saved, time saved, happy customer AGAIN! This service is amazing. I went to the first part of my class. There were things that I found very insightful. It was kind of cool running

 The alarm is set for 3:15 am. I have to catch an early flight off to Detroit for a leadership course I signed up to take. It is a year long course with the first and last meetings at home base in Detroit. Light a candle for me. I am an introvert off to “mingle” and do “ice breakers” and “small talk”. Oye! I have done some practicing and hope that I won’t be as awkward as I feel. Social anxiety is sinking it’s claws deep within! This actually was a work goal for me. I had a work goal to start this program at the beginning of the year. I didn’t want to commit during this summer and will be able to make time in my schedule for the meetings next summer. I hear it is amazing so I have pretty high hopes that I will gain some valuable experience from it.   I can see a positive change in my work load which is exciting. I have less of a work load I am juggling and a few moments to breathe. Being a recruiter is kinda fun.  Ethan went to work on his friend’s truck today. It’s good for him to get

 Hero’s come in all forms. Today, my hero was Uncle Craig. Long story short, Paul left town and I. True Diiulio fashion, the toilet got clogged. I can honestly say it wasn’t me. I tried to un clog the toilet, gagging along the way as the toilet was full to the brim of poop water. I had visions of the poop water going every which way and totally sloshing bacteria all over the place. As I envisioned this horrific display in my brain, it envoys a visceral response. Before I knew it, I was gagging so hard that I was having trouble breathing. Arriving in his plumbers cape (not really but he should have had one) he dropped everything to rescue us from the disgusting seas pool in our toilet. Craig arrived with his snake and plunger. He was saying he was glad it was clogged on the first floor because it could have been a mess trying to navigate a whole septic system meltdown. With a few swift motions with a plunger, he unplugged the toilet! The same motions I had tried but at a slower pace. Ni

 Another good day in the books. Not only was it productive, we got some time with the kids. We ordered a pizza for dinner. Rachel joined us. We watched Ru Paul’s Drag Race which Ethan belligerently argues that they shouldn’t use car noises because this show was NOT about cars. Paul was mostly just sort of listening to the TV as he was reading some papers and doing research on who knows what! He couldn’t find his reading glasses. He stole mine. He looked so pretty with his rhinestones. He was not amused that I took his picture. It was nice to be gathered in the livingroom with the kids and listening to their snarky comments towards the show and teasing each other. It is nice to have Avery around! She is doing well with her classes and is liking the social aspect of college. She is thriving! Why do weekends feel so short?

 Today was filled with organizing, cooking, laundry, making sweets and taking the kids to an estate sale. Yes, I said kids. Avery pooped home this morning before she went to work. We took a quick jaunt into an estate sale and everything was 50% off. Avery bought an Atari 2600. It came with 5 games.  She is hoping it works. If not, we got the name of where to return it to.  Ethan also went to this sale in search of tools. He didn’t really see anything exciting, however he did find some matchbox cars. I know this seems silly but he collects the ones he finds cool or interesting. These ones were still in their packages. Avery went to work from the estate sale. Ethan and I went home and he sorted through his treasure. Paul and Ethan worked together on a wiring project for a few hours in the garage. Ethan needed Paul’s help, and they have been talking and planning this project throughout the week. Avery came home in time for dinner and dessert. Ethan had been planning all day that he had so

 Creepy Friday the 13 th. Another whirlwind work day. I am so glad it is Friday. My brain is tired. I can’t keep anything straight. Paul met up with some friends for dinner.  It was just Ethan and I this evening. We watched a show on scary true stories. It was a good one. I had grandiose plans to get groceries but that never happened. I just felt tired. I decided to order my groceries for pick up in the morning.  I should not be trusted at Aldi. I will see a spinach pizza and want it. It is cheaper for me to shops online because I won’t make a hasty purchase. Avery is going ice skating tonight with her friend at college. I think it is so great that she is doing so much stuff. She is being a kid her own age.  I at the point in my life where it fell time by my feelings and physical reaction to stimuli. For example, I can’t keep my eyes open. They are so sleepy. 

 I started my morning off with a mammogram. Again! Two in one week! The doctors office called last week and wanted to get additional shots. I didn’t tell Paul because I know he would be worried. I was not worried at all. My gut was telling me that all was well. My gut is pretty decent at assessing things. Good news! All is well.  I finally had the emotional bandwidth to tackle making progress on the hospital bills. For now, we have two bills left. Do you believe that? One of the bills is in collections. The last two are being submitted to insurance. Hopefully that is it! I had to make a few calls and sit on hold for a bit a couple of different times, but I am hoping this is a step in the right direction. I had a long work day but it was successful. I walked away feeling pretty darn good! I can’t wait until it is the weekend! Happy birthday Ferguson! He is as awkward as ever!

Tomorrow is a special day. My little curmudgeon chihuahua is turning 12. He has looked geriatric for the past 10 years. Poor dude. We tell him he is distinguished so he doesn’t get poor self esteem!  Ethan hung out with Paul and I tonight. He seemed in good spirits. This is the time of year, when the weather starts getting colder that his mood gets affected (mine does too a little bit).  Today I took a swift walk at lunch. It has been the first time in a few days because work has been so crazy. The dogs enjoyed running all over the field and sniffing all the things outside. Penny was barking at AND chasing the birds flying by. Poor Penny. She can never catch them. This evening was spent unloading more of the camper. It gives me exercise running in and out of the house. I hope to finish my portion of getting the inside ready for winter, by this weekend.

 My anxiety got the best of me last night. I really needed to punch it below the belt! I keep worrying that I am going to forget to do something with work. I finally just got up and put in a few hours starting at midnight. Ugh! That is the worst.  I finally got back to sleep about 2-3 am. I slept through Paul getting up. Apparently I was snoring (even though ladies don’t snore). I think Paul is making it up. Ethan went to work today. He said he likes it. He was there the majority of the day. Avery is getting ready for her mid terms. Woah! How did that happen? Ethan and I watched a show together this evening. It was nice to share a few laughs with him. 

 Ethan went to work this morning like usual. Paul brought the camper home and got her all gussied up for winter. I now have a race against the clock to prepare my end of things for winter. I worked on it a bit after work. Work of course ran late. I finally had to just close my computer. I made it through another day of training. Oye!  I had good intentions of making dinner, but ended up with a grilled cheese. Maybe tomorrow I will have time to cook. Ethan arrived home and beelined upstairs. He was gone a few hours and then resurfaced quietly, on the couch. I said my good nights and wandered upstairs. Ethan had lights flickering brightly. He had set up a strobe light and Halloween jacolatern in his window. This is big news because for the last few years there has been none of this. This is another pre-transplant activity that he has started doing again! These little things are actually big things for us! So I am hoping the strobe light doesn’t induce seizures for him.

 Today was gross out. We went to a bar to watch the Bills game at 9:30. We ordered a breakfast pizza and I had a mimosa. Sadly, the Bills lost. The people watching was epic. It yielded many laughs. I enjoyed listening to these men chatting and how they transitioned to different topics. Their conversation got sloppier as the game progressed. When we got back to the campground, I was feeling a bit run down. I felt like I needed a nap. I was also feeling anxious because I have so much to do at work. I was hoping to get started a bit early.  I made the executive decision to leave behind dealing with the dogs and their wet selves, the cold, damp and rainy camper and come home.  I did take a nap. I don’t normally nap so that tells me that my body needed it. I had a quiet evening with Ethan. I logged in to work as Ethan and I watched TV. I was able to get through almost 100 emails. I am hoping to get through the other 50 + emails before I start having meetings. Ugh! I am hoping that this week

 The weather was supposed to be rainy and terrible. Mother Nature pulled herself together and pushed that non-sense to another part of the state. The day was mostly pleasant weather. Ethan shared with me that he punched his finger in pliers today. He has a nice pinch mark that looks painful and sore. It isn’t slowing him down at all though. I really liked taking a long walk with the dogs today. Jiminy decided that he likes riding more than walking today. He had to be carried. He was falling asleep on the walk too. I need to get him a dog stroller ha ha. What a pampered pooch. We ran into a group of kids around 9-11 years old. They were riding scooters and having a blast (not on electronics) camping. We got approached because we had dogs.  Ferguson does not really appreciate this and for that reason, we told the kids to stay away from him. What the kids  actually did was try to pet him more. What is this phenomenon? “He bites? Can I pet him.?” “No!” They seemed to be nice kids. Paul and

 We are camping this weekend and the weather was supposed to be horrible! When I woke up it was raining. Within about an hour it stopped. It was warm and sunny today.wow! What a gift! So the dogs went on three different walks. Most of the day was spent visiting with each other. I feel like I get into work mode and remove myself from the rest of the world. I needed to hear about when has been going on in everyone’s life. We had a campfire. When it started raining, we gravitated inside. We spent the evening laughing and teasing one another. Good for the soul.

 I took tomorrow off. I need a break from work. Next week will be better with training and we will get 10 hours back to our schedule. Ethan’s butterfly was strong enough and ready to launch today. Ethan took the monarch that he had hatched, and went to release it. This butterfly didn’t want to leave him. Why would it? Ethan showed it kindness and love as well as food. They have food bonded and that is a bond for life. I visited with my cousin and a high school friend this evening. The laughs we shared. Memories kept popping up. Stories told. It was a fun dinner. Then I drove out to the state park for camping. The weather is supposed to be horrid. We will take it in stride. It’s what campers do.  I did pack a lot of good snacks…if all else fails at least we eat well. Ethan has always had a love for small creatures. It is nice to see pre transplant Ethan come to the surface every now and again. :)

 Today was beautiful. I worked on my front porch while the dogs enjoyed being outside. I was on a meeting but watched Penny find a grasshopper. They were both jumping all over the yard. Ethan’s monarch finally hatched. It was the last one of the bunch. He releases it tomorrow.He had it out in the house while it was gaining strength. So cool.

 More menacing calls from the hospital and collections. I am so tired of dealing with these calls. Let us move on. I don’t even have the emotional availability to deal with it this week. I set up Ethan’s annual biopsy for next month. We have a new scheduler. She said we couldn’t request the first appointment of the day. That is false. So I have to construct a letter to send in to get assistance setting it up so that we can have our appointments back to back to get back on the road and get home. He took the news well that I set up his appointment, which was a nice surprise and unexpected. I then had to set up Ethan’s nephrology appointment in addition to his EKG, echocardiogram and heart biopsy. His doctor was out of town for the day we were trying to schedule. They recommended we drive back the following week for nephrology. Um…NO! I pushed for a virtual appointment. Luckily his doctor is easy going and this will be ok. Annoyed, I decided to take the dogs for a walk. The sun was out. T

 New York State and then some exhales a sigh of relief as little Charlotte Sena has been found. She disappeared from a campground Saturday evening as she was riding her bike “one more time” around the loop. An activity we have let our kids do many times at state parks. The emotions these parents and their family must have gone through over the past 48 hours in unimaginable. Everyone holding their breath as these stories rarely end well. I am so glad they are able to hug her tight and tell her they love her. I worked a long day today. My head hurts and I will be glad when this week is done. It is one step closer to a better work/life balance. Avery popped home today for a quick hug. She was returning some books at the library and had to drive right by the house. I actually was pissed at first because I thought someone was trying to break in. I went into confrontational mode and rounded the corner to see Avery’s cute little face smiling at me. I felt so tired today. Either the change in

 How did it get to be October 1st? The weather was beautiful today. Paul wanted to take one last ride on the jet ski’s. I told him I thought it would be chilly. He really wanted to give it a whirl. We got to the boat launch and I, somehow, was stuck on the crappier of the two jet ski’s. As we ventured out into the lake, the waves were fairly turbulent. I was getting soaked. The water was chilly. Thankfully the sun was trying really hard to keep me warm. My jet ski was tossed around and I was barely able to go 20 miles per hour. Finally, Paul stopped to see how things were going. He got a thumbs down. Zero out of 5 stars. Put the person with back surgery on the jet ski with no shocks. We switched jet ski’s. The rest of my ride was delightful. I wasn’t hardly getting splashed. The waves were still pretty big, but manageable with the shocks on my jet ski. We ended up not making it to the restaurant we were trying to go to for lunch.  That’s ok. We did have fun. It was chilly but fun! Etha