Ethan’s Journey

 Happy Birthday Paul! 50 years old today.  I made Paul quiche for breakfast. I wanted to make the day special for him. He opened his gifts. The thing he enjoyed most was his dad calling and singing Happy Birthday.  We went to a local bar in the evening. We had the party room, thanks to the help of a good friend. We went a little early and set up decorations, order pizzas for the guests etc.  Lots of great people came out to wish Paul a Happy Birthday and he absolutely loved it. He was talking about what a great night he had and all the great conversations he had. We appreciate all who came. I often think about my dad and how he never got to see the age of 50. It just reminds me to take the trips, do the things you want and don’t wait. You might not get the chance.

 I have no doubt that we all experienced the year 2023 differently. As the year comes to an end, I have been reflecting on how I felt the year went. For myself, I have to say that we had a pretty good year. One can argue that we lost Phineas and that is enough to make a terrible year. Yes, we lost Phineas. Yes it was terrible. We miss him everyday. He visits us in our dreams and I still hear him sometimes. I am not the only one. A few times I have heard the kids say “what was that noise? It sounded like Phineas.” There is a difference between unexpected loss and expected loss. Phineas was at the end of his life cycle. He lived a wonderful life and we were truly lucky our lives were spent together. We were also lucky that he was with us almost 14 years. I am glad he didn’t have a long, drawn out illness. He made the decision easy for us to choose what was kindest for him. Great dog until the end! But we had expected, at some point, he would expire. Heart breaking? Yes, but realistic. I

I had the day off today. Phew! That was wonderful. I used the first portion of the day to collect items around the house (declutter) for donation. Then Avery and I went to goodwill to drop it all off.  We did some thrifting while there and I found a few skirts for my trip to Turks and Caicos in March. Yay! We witnessed an interaction between this lady and the cashier. The cashier was a young man, likely in his teens or early twenties. He politely asked the woman if she would like her receipt. She replied in a snarky, condescending tone, which I found uncalled for. Lady: “why would I want my receipt? I can’t make a return! All sales are final. What good is a receipt?” Young man: with a quivering voice “for tax purposes?”  The lady scoffed and stomped away. Why? Why do people just insist on being cranky, pissy, and frankly just rude? She could have chosen a yes or no response. “No thank you.”  “Yes please.” Why did she have to get so snarky?   This is turning into a pseudo game I play th

 I received the most wonderful surprise in the mail today. Tiny hands for each one of my fingers. Why is this wonderful you ask? It is a mystery. It is so stupid and funny. It has shared a good laugh with me. I kind of love this game. I receive a fun and goofy item in the mail. Sometimes it is quite off color which is amazing too! Then have to guess who sent it to me. I love that someone took some time out of their day to look for something that would make me laugh. I imagine them sitting there wondering what I would say when opening it. The flip side of this game is fun too. I see something I think is funny. I send it randomly to someone and let them guess who sent it. I chuckle at the thought of their face while opening it. Sharing smiles. After work, I was motivated to downsize my collection of “stuff” Avery and I pulled up bins of stuff from the basement. I went through it and started making a pile for donations. The basement spilled into my kitchen cabinets and drawers. We are off

Today I had to work. Paul has the week off. He was mowing the lawn/ cleaning up leaves and doing man things that he finds enjoyable. None of us slept great last night (except Ethan). Avery and I ended up on the couch napping from about 4:30 - 7:00 am. It was so helpful to get the rest we needed AND it was like a mini slumber party. Our couch is so darn comfy, it pulls you in and pulls you to sleep. After work, we took my mom and Gene and met up with my Brother and his wife, Kristen, for dinner. We met at a brewery in Batavia. Paul and I have been there before and had great food and service. Tonight, the service was a little lacking. It didn’t spoil our evening. It just gave us something to talk about. I ordered a delicious tequila drink with candied cranberries, juice annd a fresh orange slice. I really enjoyed it.  We will forever refer to the evening as the night “we had that lazy waitress”. She was sweet, but we had to ask for plates, napkins, a table that didn’t wobble to the point

 🎄 MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!🎄 Finally! We were all together this year! It only took 4 years, but we made it. Today we slept in. Once awake, Avery and I made our Christmas Quiche. I hid the kids scavenger hunt presents, filled up my cup of coffee and Paul and I watched the kids find their gifts. It makes it a little more fun now that they are adults. They had little things to open too! Rachel came over and brought some gifts. She is a wonderful artist and we have started collecting her artwork in various forms. She gifted me this super cool crocheted potted plant. It is amazing! I am just so proud of her and her talent. I am honored that she made this for me. It is so thoughtful. Rachel crocheted a winter hat for Jiminy! It was perfect! At one point, Paul came down stairs with his Christmas vest on…and that was all. What a goof! It made me laugh. We then had family over for a non- traditional meal of pulled pork and French fries. The pulled pork was done in the crockpot. Very easy. We also h

 Christmas Eve is always exciting for us! We go to Nana and Papa’s for dinner. The food is extravagant AND delicious. Since my gut is still healing, I had to refrain from eating too much. I avoided certain foods to maintain gut healing. Small price to pay to be actually home. Christmas is a happy and cheerful time for our family. For some people, they have experienced great loss this year! They are missing their loved one or are feeling down this time of year. Those are the people we should remember to reach out to. Grief can be so lonely. The world moves on but you can’t. I am thinking of you. I started the day out, seeing my dear friend from middle school! We see each other about once a year. We each had a coconut, rosemary, cranberry margarita with sugar around the rim. It was dubbed the White Christmas. I was not upset about ordering it. Yum! While in the parking lot, Avery and I saw a car pull up. A man got out with red pants on. He then put his red coat on with white trim. It was

 Family Christmas party tonight. As we prepared for the party, I let the dogs out. A bit later I let Ferguson in, called for Penny to “come” and then kept getting ready for the party. She barks when she wants to come in. A little while later, I remembered that Penny was still outside, but she wasn’t at the door. This was weird and completely out of character. I called and called with no dog showing up. This developed into a full on man hunt. Each kid had a friend over at the time. All 6 of us adults were looking for Penny. We were walking around the house, calling for her, looking for her and stomping through the muddy yard. There was no sign of her. We looked in the field, combed the ditches and even drove around the neighborhood.  We walked up and down the street calling for her. She does not leave the yard and this was totally not like her. Where is she? Let’s remember we are having a party at our house that started within an hour or less of her disappearance. The last minute detail

 Today was pretty quiet and boring. Avery worked. Ethan did boy things. Paul worked. Avery and I went to the dentist. I love my hygienist! We discussed our mutually favorite restaurant and planned a date there for lunch. It’s in a month or so, so hoping to be off rice by then. Ha ha. I am still trying to eat small amounts of rice/ cottage cheese to be extra gentle to my gut. The pain is gone but I can still FEEL the spot. It is uncomfortable.   This is the worst time of year for diet restrictions. I will survive. There is just a lot of drooling on my part. Tomorrow starts the 4 day party binge. The Happy Holidays begin!

 Avery went to Nana and Papa’s to help make the Christmas Eve lasagne. Papa and Avery made the noodles from egg and flour, but it is a family secret to know the actual ratio of egg to flour. The ingredients and mixed well by hand and then sent through the pasta maker machine time and time again. This is done until the noodles are thin but still maintain their strength. Each noodle is put through the press. Over and over until they are deemed “just right”. Then they graduate to a cookie sheet for transport. The noodles were then zoomed upstairs and cooked a few at a time. One by one, they came out of the pot and placed on a towel and blotted dry. They were carefully laid in the lasagne dish. Layers of sauce and cheese mixture were added. Avery was in charge of applying the cheese. After a full afternoon of noodle preparation and lasagne building, there were enough noodles for 2.5 lasagne dishes. Yum! Avery appropriately wore her “not only am I perfect, I’m Italian” apron. The entire aft

 Today was one of those days where I felt under valued in my home by some family members. That is never a good feeling. It resulted in an exchange of words that became heated. Unfortunately, one of my deficits is that I am stubborn to a fault. Another fault is, that if I am left alone, I stew. This is where I become a feral cat that will attack. Emotions are weird. I don’t like to deviate from the path of being joyful and thankful. That just feels so much better. I guess if other emotions creep in, they remind us of where we want to reset to. I did not have Christmas spirit this evening. I certainly didn’t spread Christmas cheer. Tomorrow is a new day. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor. I am still trying to master control of my emotions. Sometimes it’s ok to be made when you feel under valued.  Today I was thankful that both kids were home and we watched National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. It is one of my favorites and we all enjoyed it.

 Snow blanketed us this morning. In the beginning of winter this is exciting. It is beautiful, quiet and clean. As I was looking out the window, I noticed it was framed by our Christmas tree. The tree was a soft glow in an otherwise dark room. The sun was just coming up, giving the outside a blue hue. It was a simple moment, but one that I enjoyed and thought was so pretty. I have been trying to incorporate more moments of small joys like this into my day. Sometimes life can be so busy, it can be helpful to stop and just look around. It was a quiet day in the house. I do love to listen to the sibling banter going on. “Mom, Ethan burped at me.” Ha ha ha it cracks me up. What a big brother thing to do. “Mom, I think his burp went in my mouth.” I am dying at their banter. They seem to be laughing and joking through it too. Ethan gets a sly smile at the sheer thought he could have annoyed Avery. I just love it. Avery and I tested the waters with Bingo at the Elks club. This proved to be th

Today we made an eye appointment for Ethan so that he can be tested for the proper prescription for glasses. He asked me to go with him for this appointment after the eye doctor’s office said to bring a list of medications with him. I told him that it should be an easy visit, but then he asked, “what if they ask me something I don’t know?” That signaled to me that there is appointment anxiety. With Ethan’s track record, I cleared my schedule (which is easy to do) for that day. With his history of corneal trauma and foreign body, it a good idea to tag along.  Once he gets his prescription, he can apply at the DMV for his “over 21” license. He will be turning 21 in February. He has embraced getting glasses and even has picked out prescription sunglasses that he wants.  Avery has started to get her grades back for her finals. Physics final….94/100. Nice!  Everyday I am feeling a little better. I had another 1/2 cup of rice today with some chicken. Bland, bland, bland. But each day feels a

 I decided to finally add food to my gut after 70 hours of fasting. It was a half cup of white rice. It was delicious and far more delicious than a bowl of flavored water. More filling too. I am still uncomfortable, but doing alright otherwise. It slows me down a little, but Tylenol is quite helpful! The lack of food to my system has really highlighted how my brain NEEDS nutrients to function. I was having trouble expressing my thoughts, the words that came out of my mouth weren’t always making sense. Avery was picking on me for it. I lost my phone about a dozen times. I couldn’t focus on what I was doing, it was a significant and noticeable difference. My heart goes out to those that struggle with eating disorders. Not only for the obvious reasons, but I have got to imagine they are foggy headed. It is frustrating. My brain is starved of nutrition! Avery went over to her work family’s house this afternoon/evening. We turned on law and order and it sucked myself, Paul and Ethan right i

 I enjoyed being by the fire today. The warm and dry heat, making it comfy and cozy for us. We have Paul to thank for it. He splits and stacks it. My gut is still sore. I entered my 48 th hour of fasting this evening. The hunger pains are much less. I have been drinking SO much water. I did have a bowl of flavored water for lunch. I warmed it up so it was “soup” without anything in it. It did taste good. Living on the edge over here! I wasn’t able to go on the trip with Paul. It bummed me out. I was looking forward to that. I was going to be his arm candy, trophy wife.  Avery went to a friends house today. She is a busy bee. Ethan had a friend over. I am glad they have people in their lives they have fun with. A good friend is so valuable!

 I woke up at 4 am with a stabbing pain in my gut. Ut oh! I know what that pain is. Diverticulitis flare up AGAIN! No!!!! As the sun came up, I called the colo-rectal office to report that my symptoms have started again. I spoke with a receptionist and then a nurse. The nurse was going to check and see if I could just get antibiotics or if I needed to be seen, and then call me back. 6 hours later I hadn’t hear anything. That is a little alarming on a Friday, when the office closed in a couple hours. I called again to inquire and insisted that I either need antibiotics or further direction on how to treat this (or euthanasia?). Shortly after, a nurse called me. I explained my situation. It’s the same pain, in the same location, that I had imaging done on 3 weeks ago. Here’s the part that made me tilt my head like a dog trying to understand.  The nurse said that she would be willing to send home one antibiotic only. Hmmmm? I inquired why this bout would be treated differently than the pr

Penny has the cleanest and pearliest teeth today! She had them cleaned and her breath is fresh! She was a bit tired when I got her home and just wanted to snuggle. I gave her permission to take the afternoon off from keeping the family safe from leaves, birds and anything else she deems a threat in our yard. I helped Avery move a lot of her things back home. We drove the van to the dorm and loaded it up. I think she is glad to have her tests over. Ethan was off at a friends house, hanging out. That makes me happy. I developed the hiccups this evening. Paul DESPISES hearing someone hiccup. Of course my hiccups hung on for a good half hour. I was holding my breath, drinking water and trying all the tricks to get them to stop. I do find it funny that he gets so pissed off about it.  I am so glad it is the weekend eve. I need a little bit of a break. I am excited about the weekend and going away. I look forward to it, even if it is for one day.

 I saw a clip today of a grown man, aggressively dancing to Christmas music. He was dressed in tight leggings, with a baggy sweatshirt on. The sweatshirt was decorated in tacky Christmas decor, that while although tacky, was quite festive. I was impressed by his enthusiasm as well as jealous of his dance moves. I shared the video with Avery. She also loved it and said we are going to dance aggressively to Christmas music when she moves back home….TOMORROW! For 6 whole weeks I get to have her around! She is going to be so bored! It will be nice to have extra estrogen in the house. Ethan and I had a good chat today about life in general. About stigmatization, working through trauma, different beliefs, etc. it was interesting to share views with one another. I have enjoyed watching Ethan dote on Jiminy. This morning, Ethan came down stairs, got on his hands and knees and was play fighting with Jiminy. He was talking to him, snuggling him and expressing love towards him. Dogs have a healin

 Happy Birthday Gene and Diane! Today was fairly uneventful. Avery has her physics conference coming up next month. I told her I would ride with her. It is a 5 hour drive and some change and didn’t want my 18 year old to drive all that way, alone, in the dead of winter. Because of this decision, we will be getting a hotel. I will either drop her off at the conference daily OR let her take the car and park there. The trouble is, there are no hotels available. I spent about an hour and a half trying to find something within a 10 minute drive that didn’t look like it had bed bugs. No thanks! By the end of it I was trying to decide if I should gamble with bed bugs or just sleep in the van….in January…I was frustrated and being slightly dramatic about how awful this was going to be. I do find a helpful coping skill for frustration is muttering under my breath. Sometimes the muttering is simply mean and off color, but with no intent behind it. Just a way to vent the steam. Tonight the mutter

 Today I had a busy work day. This afternoon, while busy, I didn’t have to talk to anyone and was able to watch a movie about the Green River Killer and how he killed for 20 years because he didn’t “look” like the kind of person that would commit the murders 90+ women. Unbelievable. Sick! Afterwork, we went to a friends house. Paul was helping them with their snowmobile. The snowmobile is now ready to tackle any snow event that is thrown its way. Particularly a trip to Maine where it will be ridden daily for many days in a row. January will be a busy month with us traveling. Paul will be away, then I will be away. There will be a two week period we won’t  see each other. Avery has her physics conference that her and I will be traveling to. I am just staying in the hotel, not learning physics. They would spot me as a fraud right away. I will stay back in my ph’s drinking coffee. Ethan worked today. He got home a little early today. I made sure to wash all of Avery’s illness out of the b

 Today was a relaxing day. Avery and I played some games together on the phone. Mancala is a popular choice. We have similar skill levels so it makes it a strategic game and very exciting to play together. I built a fire and warmed the house up about 12 degrees so the dogs wouldn’t be chilly for their Sunday Bath. I wash them and then let them warm up by the fire. I washed their bedding too. Everyone was due for nail trims too, so I clipped and filed their nails with a dremel. I did some mopping, dishes and baking too. In between I was playing my faux slots game as well as phone games with Avery.  This evening we drove around looking at Christmas lights while listening to Christmas music. We had dinner at Genesee Brewing. We saw the infamous Keg Tree! It is quite impressive. Tomorrow is the first day of a new week. I still miss my coworker, but she is on the bigger and better things. 

 Avery texted me yesterday and said she wasn’t coming home this weekend. She wanted to focus on studying for her finals next week. She has a final in physics, computer science and calculus. I can barely spell those words, so I can understand she needs that time. That little stinker popped home this morning and surprised myself and her Mema, whom I was visiting at the time. Surprise! She wasn’t feeling so hot as she had come down with a cold. So I spoiled her all afternoon because she was “sick”. She took a nap on the couch with her two bodyguards. Penny and Jiminy kept her safe as she slept. Ferguson didn’t help because he was naughty and bit Ethan’s friend. He was grounded to his cage. Chihuahuas! Ethan’s buddy spent the day at our house. At one point he walked into the house and Ferguson attacked his ankle. Another name was added to Ferg’s long list of people he has bitten. Some names are on the list 3 or 4 times. Poor Ferguson! Such a chihuahua. He is half misunderstood and half ass

 I was so excited for this weekend, then today happened. Another close member of my team was terminated, and she was a great employee and team mate. I think I hit all the stages of grief when she called me. I am to the point that I don’t want to be friendly with anyone on my team, so when they are terminated, I am not as affected. It is unsettling that it is a “Merry Christmas, you’re fired!” Kind of thing. Not to be insensitive, but the termination was poor timing! We were working on a project that was coming together this weekend. The termination set off a series of unfortunate events for me, which was both frustrating, difficult and it angered me.   With the recent terminations of so many of my team (this is termination 7 in the past month) at this point I am aware it is not a matter of IF I will be fired, it is a matter of when. I know I do a great job and am a hard worker. I have accepted that it will likely happen, but I have also accepted it will not be because of my performance

 I am in a leadership course that meets every two weeks. We have little projects to work on and then share things in our “psychological safe” place. “Psychologically safe” is a newer corporate buzz word that means it is a space we can share ideas, ask questions, take risks and share feedback etc. without the fear of negative consequences. It is found that if the negativity/fear is removed, people are more willing to try new things which can result in beautiful successes or on the counter part, failures. With the failures, instead of fear of repercussions, it is replaced with support, such as “what did you learn?” Building that trust in the corporate world, I am learning, can be difficult. When you find the trustworthy team, it becomes unstoppable. Our topic today in the leadership group was emotional intelligence. I have embraced this and practice almost everyday! Some days are harder than others. It is to remain in control of your feelings. Embracing others actions with empathy instea

 Oooofff! Pressures on at work. I have an urgent hire that has resulted in my full attention, full on detective skills and I am practically almost FBI level finding out info on people. I have two full days working on this one hospital. I hope that it is fruitful and worth the effort. Ethan worked today. He had a whole new perspective after his experience earlier in the week. It is nice to see things from a different perspective sometimes. Jiminy made sure to find Ethan when he sat down this evening. Jiminy was like a heat sealing middle. Ethan was the target. We were watching old episodes of The Price is Right from the 70’s. Ethan cuddled him and provided a great sleeping environment. Today I am thankful for the sunshine that brightened my day. I also enjoyed the delicate snowflakes floating down from the sky. It was so pretty. Lastly, I was thankful for our fireplace and the warmth it provided.

 Today I had a follow up appointment with the colo-rectal surgeon. He was a pretty cool guy. I got him to agree to take care of the fight with the insurance company on my behalf, to get it covered by insurance. He showed me pictures of my abcess and used words like “significant infection” and “I don’t think you need surgery.” Works for me. He also explained that my lack of kidney really screws things up for a colonoscopy (which I will have done in March 😣). Apparently my colon has gone hog wild with all the roominess of having the kidney gone. Because of this, the colon moves into the space causing all sorts of new twists and turns and making a complete colonoscopy very difficult. We then got into a good discussion about colon surgeries and if they test for leakage the same way in animals as they do people. The answer is NO! He described that they “blow CO2” into the colon to blow it up and see if it holds the gas. That sounds really creepy and invasive. I told him that with animals w

 Ethan set up a job shadow for himself. He is very quiet and private about this. I was proud of him for doing so. He is really growing maturity wise. While he is close to 21, he did miss out on some crucial socialization. He was tossed backwards learning how to swallow and walk while his friends finished up high school. When he got home, he shared that the people were very nice. He made the realization that he wasn’t going to be a good fit for this job. It was a mix of the work as well as the leadership style. He realized he needed more of a coaching style leadership. I think it is really important that he recognized this.  I felt happy that he continues to grow. One foot in front of the other. He is moving in the right direction.

 Today we went to the Brockport parade of lights. It rained the entire day. Ew! We layered up and weren’t going to let a little water hold us back. We picked Avery up and brought her along as well. The parade started. It was raining so we whipped out our umbrellas. I grabbed an umbrella that I got at one of my conferences. It has dogs and cats on the underside. Paul grabbed an umbrella from somewhere. It turns out his umbrella was one of the kids from when they were like 4. It was a penguin. We had some good laughs over that. So many people had spent hours decorating for the parade.  As the parade began, shortly after, lightening decided to Grace us with it’s presence. Soon after that, more and more lightening bolts showed up. This was the straw that broke the camels back and the parade was cancelled. We already had dinner reservations at the Custom House. Our table was ready early and we moved  into our little corner of the place. We got to watch the fireworks from the big windows tha

Sarah and I both decided that we needed to do something nice for the house fire people staying next to us. We went to target and got a gift card and some toys and treats for the doggies. We planned to leave it at the front desk so that they could give it to the people after we check out. We were very careful when choosing a gift card to pick something non-denominational as a picture on the gift card. We tried to be respectful of strangers and their beliefs, when picking out the card. The intent was doing something for someone that was down on their luck. All there was left was to write a small note of kindness for them. What do you write in a card for someone that has suffered a significant house fire and loss during the holiday season? We turned to Google for help. We wanted something that embodied kindness and love. The first thing that popped up was “Hurry up spend this before it burns a hole in your pocket.” Thanks google! That is mean. However, we laughed our butts off for a good

 I am a huge Dateline fan, putting me in the category of middle aged, white woman, crime (specifically murder) junkie. I am really a big fan of the creepy way that Keith Morrison tells a story. I like that he looks a little bit odd. I like his creepy inflection. I just get really excited when he is the host of an episode I am watching. Today, my fan worlds collided when I found out he was Matthew Perry’s step dad, since 1981. That is a fun fact. It’s stupid but I had that “No way!” moment. I then told Paul that if I were married to Keith, I would want him to talk to me about mundane, everyday topics as if he were hosting a dateline episode. I tried to convince Paul that he needed to study Keith’s presentation and inflection so he could talk to me in that way moving forward. Paul is NOT on board with this idea. We did share a laugh over it. I took a PTO day today. I met up with Sarah to do our annual Christmas shopping weekend. We accomplished a lot today. We started wrapping the gifts