Ethan’s Journey

 The day was so slow. Finally it was time to leave. Everything was loaded. All 4 dogs, two girls and the rabbit were is their respective places.  The drive felt slow but we never really hit any significant traffic. We did stop in Oswego to get some mecican food. As we continued driving, I had to slam on the breaks for some deer. Once we arrived and set up, we were all sweaty and cranky. But as we filtered down to the fire, things evened out. Tunes were blasting, the air was warm. We were looking over the lake, which was hazy from smoke. This is what we were waiting for all weekend. Sitting by the campfire just feet from the lake.  I had Jiminy wrapped up/ swaddled in his blanky. Across the lake were several firework displays. Colorful bursts of  excitement danced in the sky across the lake.  We had great company. This is one of those times that the reward was worth the wait! I am looking forward to a fun week. Even the sunset had a smiley face! That is a good sign right?

 I am feeling the smoke inhalation in my lungs. My throat has been sore. Eww! I am looking forward to some better air quality. Luckily we are going to a place where the numbers are like 500% better. I noticed Theo was grooming himself a lot today. A closer inspection revealed some moist dermatitis or damp skin. It was right under his chin on his neck.  He has been a little out of sorts the last day or two. He attacked Jiminy for no reason. This is very out of character for him. This is a rabbit that is normally even tempered and quite tolerant of most things. Avery held him while I had to tip his head back and shave his neck. Rabbits have such delicate skin, I was worried I might accidentally cut him while clipping his fur. Rabbit fur is the WORST to shave! It took us about a half hour of clipping and soaking his skin. We put some special ointment on that will hopefully give him some relief. I was really proud of him for being such a good little bunny while we worked on him. He is a pr

 I noticed a shift in Penny over the last few days. She is on high alert. I think she has embraced her new role as the protector of the family. I went to the bathroom this morning and she was guarding the door. She was sitting at the top of the stairs making sure NO-ONE was going to get past her. We are in the pre-vacation mode. I don’t feel like working. There is no food in the house because everything is “for camping”. For dinner I had some left over chicken and some sweet tarts. We eat well when we camp. Wish Ethan was coming with us but he will hold the fort down while we are away. The things I like about camping are that there are no rules, no schedules, no concrete plans. The hardest decision will be what bathing suit to wear. Tomorrow I am excited to pick up the groceries and put them in the camper. It’s one of the last steps before leaving. Everything else is in there.  I am working all day Friday so we won’t be leaving until later. Paul and I travel separate. We process our tr

 Wall to wall meetings today. Yikes. Trying to wrap things up before July hits. I am hardly working in July as far as computer work goes. I am kind of nervous about it. Phineas came back home today. He is in a beautiful wooden box that is carved with the cutest little flowers. I put him right in the camper so that he can go camping with us. I am hoping to spread his ashes with the family over the 4 th of July at his most favorite place on earth, the Thousand Islands. I feel good about that and know he will be forever watching over us. My poison ivy is still super itchy even after a solid round of methylpred. BLAST! I look like I have a skin eating bacteria or something. It’s grotesque. I feel like itching it with a cheese grater, but I feel like that probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Ethan ordered some fuse for our epic 4 th of July show. He will set off many fireworks and have an entire show. I am so excited. I have a really bad 4 th of July outfit all planned.  This evening the kids,

 I finally received word back that I have been officially accepted into a list for being a bone marrow donor. What this means is that I am in a database so that if a patient is in need, and we genetically match, there is an 80% chance  my stem cells can be collected as a blood collection procedure. 20% (more so with pediatric patients) with would be done as a procedure either under anesthesia or local anesthesia where the bone marrow is collected from the hip area. Then it is filtered, treated and transplanted immediately OR they can freeze it. I am excited at the prospect that I could potentially make someone’s medical journey just a little better just by taking the step to sign up. It was an easy process. I applied online. They sent me a dna collection kit. I swabbed my cheek (the one on my face) and submitted it. Then waited. To donate is free and voluntary with no financial gain. The side effects of the blood donation are the same with any blood donation. The side effects from them

Ethan planned to have some friends over today. They hung out and did men things like lift the hoods of their cars and talked about engines. There were several guys here which Ethan was excited about. I think he had a good day which makes my heart happy.  We attended our next door neighbors graduation party. He and Avery rode the bus together for many years. She said that one of her memories of the bus what that he was always polite, allowed her to go first and never gave her a hard time. I think that is a wonderful reflection of his parents. Both of their boys are nice kids. Paul and I scrambled to get caught up on yard work. I still didn’t get my portion of the mowing done. I am still trying to replant all my flowers from the front flower beds before our sidewalk project starts. Plus knowing it was going to rain is the perfect time to replant.  The rain came but we still had the ez-up erected so that all the kids could gather, stay dry and eat pizza.  Paul and I decided that we have e

 Today was graduation day. Rachel spent the night last night so the girls were ironing their stoles and gowns. They had their mortarboards decorated and they did their hair. The entire family was meeting up at the graduation location. Avery had quite a support system.  We were seated as far away from the stage as possible and away from as many people as possible. Even Ethan joined us which I was thankful for. It was a long ceremony but a good one. We decided to meet up with family at a burger joint afterwards. It was fun and that turned into an evening around the campfire. This is a cool time where the kids are now adults and share their memories from their childhood. It is fun to listen to things from their perspective. I was very grateful that Ethan joined us. He also had a smile on his face multiple times. A nice distraction from Kidney Biopsy nonsense. July 12 th is the day we find out what the next step will be. Ethan has agreed to go and have the biopsy done. He is not happy abou

 Happy Graduation Eve Avery! Avery had her graduation party tonight. It was small and sweet. Avery made all the desserts and each one was more delicious than the last, proving she was a master baker. She spent the day in the kitchen (with Rachel). The damn rain tried to spoil the fun, but finally gave up so we could enjoy the great outdoors. We had a fire, s’mores and best of all, great company. Everyone were troopers and braved the rain. We sat outside a bit misty and damp but it didn’t spoil the party. It was a fun evening of visiting with our loved ones. After a hard week, it was a well deserved treat.  I also got to spend time with Sarah and Heather in the same day!!!!! Super bonus!

 I worked outside today. The sunshine was nice. It was the first time I have worked outside since Phineas has been gone. I gave my remaining dogs a food scavenger hunt and thought about how much Phineas enjoyed these. I was also frustrated with something going on with work and I just started to cry. I miss him so much. Of course I was wearing a rayon type shirt and my tears were falling down and making it look like I spilled all sorts of water on myself. My desk today. My face was red and puffy. Totally work appropriate. I was then thinking about what a gift it had been that I got to work at home for the last several months with him. He got to have these food scavenger hunts a lot and he loved them. He then would find all the food and nap in the sun right next to me. What a gift that was. Of course he was a pain in the ass too that whole time, but I can ignore that part. He would go over and start eating grass and I would say “what are you doing? What are you a cow?” I would pause and

 I realized this morning that all my crazy bug bites are actually poison ivy. So that’s great. No wonder I want to scratch my skin off until I am bleeding. Happy Wednesday. At least it explains why my eye is a little swollen. We got an early start to the hospital this morning to tackle the George Washington Bridge. Hurry up and wait. I can’t imagine having to do this day in and day out. How do my fellow humans not lose their mind in this traffic? Also how do they maneuver with their cars so close to one another. Merging is nerve racking. The cars are separated by a paper thin space. The windows were open and it smelled like tires and gasoline. There was a constant hum of engines with the thuds of tires hitting something they shouldn’t. Then there is always that person in the distance that despite everyone doing their best to deal with this awful traffic, they lay on the horn. There have been ZERO studies published that say HORN HONKING is an effective tool to arrive at your destination

 This morning I had a couple of meetings. Then Ethan and I left for New York City. Ethan drove so I could continue working. We switched about half way into the trip as he was getting tired. We stopped in Pennsylvania to pick up fireworks for the Fourth of July. Ethan has purchased some fuse so that he can coordinate a fireworks show. I am looking forward to that. The last hour and a half was a bit brutal. There was road work and we crept along at a very low rate of speed. It was the hurry up and wait kind of traffic. I am not a fan of Nee Jersey. I don’t like how the flow of traffic is, how you always have to turn around and I REALLY don’t like that they pump your gas for you. I don’t want to have to talk to someone about what gas I want. Ewww! While I was driving, Ethan had a video visit with his neurologist. They made a plan to continue with his keppra, his seizure medication. His neurologist feels that there was enough damage with the stroke that he will always be at risk for seizur

 Penny acts and sounds like a pig sometimes. It got me thinking about pigs today and what cool animals they are. They are social animals (like Penny) and often sleep touching each other (nose to nose). When people, including myself, say “I am sweating like a pig”, they fail to remember that pigs don’t have sweat glands which is why they roll in the mud to cool down…and prevent sunburn. Penny rolls in stuff but it is usually dead or poop. Pigs like belly rubs and so does Penny.  Pigs have great memories and are very smart….well that proves Penny isn’t a pig or even part pig….but I still love her. Ethan worked today as well as Avery. The house was quiet. Avery got home from work and then went to hang out with her BFF. Ethan came home and we invited him to sit out on the patio with us. He actually came out and sat with us. He is not looking forward to the next 2 days. I am glad he verbalized it. He mostly is not looking forward to the echo. I get anxiety because I don’t like when they sti

 Happy Father’s Day to all the dad’s out there. Today was spent spoiling Paul. We had breakfast pizza first thing this morning. Paul did a bunch of cleaning, which doesn’t sound fun, but he enjoys it. I followed behind him and mopped and gave the pups their weekly bath and bedding change. We did a bit of yard work and then headed over to the in-laws for dinner. We had a nice visit. The food, as always, was award worthy. Since I have been outside so much lately, I have mosquito bites EVERYWHERE. On my face, eyelid, part-line, legs, arms, feet…. They are big, itchy and not going away quickly. They stick up off my skin so far. Some are dime  sized wheats. What kind of mosquitos are these? I made Paul feel the one on my head because it felt like a hard nipple. I have a nipple head. Great! This is going to be a busy week for sure. I am getting exhausted thinking about Tuesday and Wednesday. I will have to start packing tomorrow.

 This is the first weekend we have been home in a while. I had a lot of work to do in the yard. I spent about 6 hours in the gardens. I walked a ton and my feet hurt. I did a ton of digging and replanting as we prepare for our big patio project coming soon. We are re-doing our side walk and adding a patio to the front of the house. Everything will be dug up an covered with concrete. I will put in new, manageable gardens. I have been relocating bulbs and various other plants for the past few weeks. Today I am sore. I did a lot but tried to avoid heavy lifting  so I didn’t disrupt my back surgery site. It’s not a bad sore, it’s more of a “ I haven’t used those muscles in a while” sore.  It was weird not having Phineas outside with us today. I kept looking for him. He loved days like today. He could have done a good food scavenger hunt, watched the neighborhood kids playing (keeping them safe) and snoozing in the sunshine. I do miss his pretty amber eyes. Avery went to her friends house.

Today I worked on continuing to resolve insurance bills that have been paid, reversed, paid and then reversed a second time. At what point does this fun little game end? We are almost 3 years later! It is so annoying and sometimes my coping skill is to ignore it. Coping skills are usually helpful, but ignoring it just drags it out longer. There are days when I just don’t have it in me to remain pleasant. There are some days I just need a break. Today I did made some progress. I have little faith the progress I make will stick though. I feel like I’m 20 years I will still be disputing these charges. I am glad it is Friday. Paul has finally come home he is adjusting to the absence of Phineas. I felt terrible that I had to make that decision without Paul. It was the absolute best thing I could have done for my buddy. I didn’t even notice there was still an IV bag hanging on the wall of our den.  Avery worked all day and then I dragged her grocery shopping. I really enjoy her company!  I a

 Today was different. I am adjusting to 3 dogs. Phineas’s spot was vacant. It changed my routine a bit. The other dogs don’t seem to notice him missing. Phineas was the smartest out of all of them. Sometimes I think he felt human feelings. He was sad when his buddy Fred died. He sat and looked at Fred’s cage wondering where his bunny friend went.  He also experienced regret. He slightly regretted eating an entire pizza while I unloaded the groceries from the car. He seemed sad we were picking on him. I think he was more regretful he got caught. I washed Phineas’s nose prints off the glass door today. I was a little sad about it, but the door was gross. I will never forget that slobbery nose. I did some gardening this evening. All are welcome to come over and get some flowers. We are digging up our front flower beds for a patio project. Overall the day was much better than yesterday. I am thankful for that.

It is with a heavy heart that we had to say goodbye to our Phineas Superdog this morning. Phineas was our protector! He watched over all of us, especially his kids (and other people’s kids too). I ask that if you have a memory, picture or funny story of how he may have touched your life, please share it. When I woke up, I sat with Phineas. It was quiet. He took a deep breath and let out a long deep sigh. I looked into his eyes and knew. He was tired. Living took all his effort. The kids and I put Phineas on the couch, a place that he wasn’t normally allowed to go. He got lots of great snuggles, kisses and hugs. He got pets and many “good boy”’s I luckily was able to reach out to a coworker to facilitate a stealth euthanasia. Sneak in the back, privately help my best friend and then leave. Irish goodbye style. Everything was so peaceful and I felt so thankful she helped us. Phineas had been part of her life too. She practiced blood draws etc on him when she was a vet tech student. After

 Phineas ate today. He had little bits throughout the day. He stayed well hydrated with some fluids. He even drank a little bit of fluids.  He is tired. He is boney. He did do a few things that seemed routine for him. Checking out Penny’s cage to make sure she didn’t get something he should have. He hung out with Ethan in the garage (he fell asleep).  He is trying so hard to be better. He hates disappointing us in any capacity. He is a working dog and still has kids to watch, even when he is really sick. My heart is sad. The majority of the day was spent making sure his needs were met, spoiling him and making sure he got meaningful calories. He ate about 12 oz today which is a big, big deal. I worry it is because the appetite stimulant is working and not because he is getting better.  He is normally a fabulous eater. With all the antiemetics he has, he shouldn’t be nauseous and he still is. I am giving it another day to see how things go.  Avery attended the School Board meeting tonigh

 Phineas is a pretty sick guy. He continued to get fluids and nursing care today. I brought him to the vet for a follow up appointment and his liver isn’t looking the best via ultrasound. We have a plan in place for “last ditch effort” treatment plan. I don’t want him to continue suffering. He has all the drugs to help him feel better. All he has to do is feel better. I did recieve some unexpected kindness. It fell at just the right time. I was appreciative of that. I had to give Phineas a bolus of IV fluids last night. I spooned him on the floor, petting his head, telling him he was a handsome and good boy. I was feeling rather guilty about making him suffer through not feeling well. I was thinking that I never expected that maybe he had his last trip up to the islands. I decided I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet and that I would try to get him feeling better no matter what. Fingers crossed. Happy Birthday Heather!

 We arrived home mid day. I had to tend to my sick pup. He got some fluids and some medications and I began to force feed him every little bit. Small and frequent force feeding. He really doesn’t have an appetite at all. He was also drooling like a mad man. Thankfully the drooling stopped.  After an afternoon of fluids, he began to have a small bit of pep in his step. That was encouraging.  I also power cleaned. Weekends are for cleaning and I have been away the last few. I had work to catch up on.  I shampooed the rug in the living room and all the couch cushions. Mopped all the floors. Once the rug dries in the morning I plan to vacuum under the cushions. All jobs that should have been done a while ago. I did a bunch of laundry and mowed the field. Paul had to drive to Michigan for work. Boo! Avery went over to a friends house and Ethan kept to himself. I said hello to him but he mostly stayed in his room.

 Ladies are far better planners than men. That is a bold statement. The reason it came up, was because this morning while congregating in the living space of the suite, Paul and Jason discussed how when they arrived at Canton, they went to the fraternity house first. Except when they finally came to the dorm it was after midnight, they had a DD and they didn’t have their bags with them.  Heather brought minimal bedding for Jason. Paul’s bedding was in his vehicle at the fraternity house. He ended up sleeping on the rubber mattress with a blanket Jason gave him, using the towel I brought for him as a pillow. Jason, since he gave his blanket to Paul, used a towel as his blanket. Heather and I had our comfy beds, with blankets and pillows. All of us have separate rooms in the suite. Phineas is still not doing well. Avery has been giving him his tummy pills but he is going on day 3 with no food intake and little to no drinking (he had fluids the other day under the skin to hydrate him). My

 Today was a day of visiting. I visited my Sarah and my Heather. The weather wasn’t too bad for a road trip. Paul and myself and our friends participated in an alumni event at the college we met at. We are able to stay in the suites on campus, with a dedicated DD driving everyone around. It’s a fun event that we have done with many different friends over the years. When Heather and I arrived, we confused the poor guy at check in because we were with our husbands, we didn’t know when they would arrive, like we are massive swingers. Our beds were college mattresses, thankfully rubber proof and impenetrable to bodily fluids. I put a thick barrier down between the mattress and my body just in case. The mattress is as stiff as a board. Heather and I walked all around the quaint little  town. We stopped at a shop or two to support the local economy. We walked all around town remembering buildings and sharing memories that we shared. “That’s the roof I used to sit on to heckle people, until o

Avery decorated her mortarboard all cutest. She tried on her cap and gown and we laughed about how the person that designed that style didn’t do a great job. I told her she should take her tassel and stand it straight up on her cap like an antenna. Phineas was still not well this morning. He earned a trip to the vet after not eating last night. He vomited and had some mush poo. He has a touch of the pancreatitis. He got some medications and I made a bland diet for him that he turned his nose up at. Maybe by morning he will feel like eating.  He was pretty quiet today. Poor old dude. He has never refused eating before. He has been getting extra special treatment.

 Holy smokes! Like, for real! It smelled so strongly like camp fire today. The air was thick. Ethan and I were standing outside at one point and we were seeing pieces of ash falling from the sky. Crazy to think it could make it this far from Quebec! Phineas was off today. He slept quietly and then refused to eat dinner. This is not like him. He vomited later this evening. Poor pup. We will see how things are going tomorrow. Paul hill seed up to me to see if I wanted to examine the vomit. I told him no, because I was already in bed, but asked him to send a picture. This is how we roll! Avery has 3 days left of school. She was supposed to walk to get ice cream during her double Chem lab. The air quality was deemed too bad to do that which kinda sucked for her. Someone ended up bringing in an ice cream cake.  Ethan, Avery, Paul and I sat on the patio for a quick minute which was nice. The rest of the afternoon/evening was spent getting ready for a trip this weekend. Oh geez! I have my cof

My heart is warm today. You work really hard as a parent so that your kids are able to grow and blossom into functional adults. Avery was home today and went over to Rachel’s to hang out. She has her freedom. She had her little social life. I am so happy she has such a good friend to hang out with. I am glad she is going to grow going off to college and she is excited about it. I am really glad she will be close. Ethan worked today and then went to a car event. He had so much fun. He even came home and sat with Paul and I outside chatting about work and life, leaving zombie Ethan behind and showing his true self. Avery then came home and joined us outside, with all 4 dogs. It was such a wonderful evening with everyone in good spirits. I thought of our donor family and how they have been dealing with their loss. I felt complete peace and hoped that they could feel it too. I know that sounds weird. This has made my entire week, If not, month.

 I added more pollywogs to my pond today. This time they were normal sized tadpoles and not big bullfrogs. Even if our pond gets too many, they can relocate to the neighbors pond which is right behind our property. I love the amphibian symphony that is orchestrated every night. We arrived home from camping and Avery was still working. I made some dinner, bathed 50% of the dogs and did a ton of laundry.  I visited with my mom and step dad for a bit. I picked some flowers from my garden that were on the verge of blooming. I am hoping over the next day or two they will bloom for her. Peonies smells so good…but I hate the ants. Avery popped over to say hi to Mema after work. She’s so cute. I am glad we had such a fun weekend. We have some great pictures and memories to share for future years. Those stories will start off as “remember that time in Chinengo Valley State Park……”

 The campground we are camping at took us the same route as we take driving to NYC. I realized part of my crankiness the night we arrived was partially because I just HATE that route. It causes me underlying anxiousness. I kept saying to Paul, “ugh, I feel like I am going to NYC.”  It’s so weird how trauma and stress work. It even seems like as time goes on, it is getting worse. These trips are getting more infrequent. Only every 4 months. I do attribute it to knowing Ethan hates it and is miserable and sometimes I feel I take the brunt of that. While it sucks, it also is comforting in a weird way that he feels so comfortable to act out his insecurities and frustrations with me. 17 days from the next trip and I have already started to feel the swirling dread of the trip. Not because I think something is going terribly wrong, it is more the long drive, hassle of Uber, fitting all of the appointments into a short time and driving home all in a short period of time. In addition, I feel li

 It was hot today. I was able to work outside today. I set up a table and sat my computer on top and had my meetings outdoors with the sweet smell of pine lingering in the air. That was after the emergency trip to Walmart because I didn’t have my laptop charger. Walmart was super interesting in this area. There was a mix of Walmart shoppers and regular shoppers that went to Walmart.  Paul and I then took the dogs on a lengthy walk down to the creek. Jiminy did so good navigating the hills and terrain. He even walked into the shallow creek, likely because it was so hot. Old man Phineas did the entire walk and even pulled a rock out of the creek. What a good boy. We then went to the beach for a while. We sat under a tree and enjoyed the afternoon. The people watching was epic. No one was supposed to be in the water. Everyone was in the water illegally with no lifeguards on duty. No one died.  It was fun to watch all the kids having fun. One little girl had a Mario bothers mustache on, ju

Paul and I went away leaving the kids home with some friends and lots of cameras. Not because I don’t trust my kids, but I don’t trust others. Our trip was terrible. The roads sucks and were bumpy. The bridges didn’t have heights listed, and we had to play the game “will we fit?”. we had to turn the camper around while trying to find our site. Ugh. Somehow it was all my fault for missing the turn and I refused the blame. This makes for a messy beginning to a camping trip. My stubbornness has no match! If I am certain of something it weighs more to me than fact! I excel at other things. When we arrived I took a break from Paul and walked the dogs. I camp so the dogs have a better life. They saw their camping friends that they haven’t seen since last season. There is a reason we typically arrive separately.This is the true survival guide to marriage. Arriving, parking and setting up camp. We did enjoy the evening with friends. That trumps it all.