Emotional roller coaster 11/24 1:30

 Ethan has had a multiple of people doing neurology exams. It involves having him squeeze both of his hands, lift both his legs and look left and right. Keep in mind he is cooperating and able to do a fairly decent amount of what they are asking while he is heavily sedated.  

They needed more information to determine if they were going to go in and remove the clot or do extra imaging or just supportive care.

They decided they needed far more information and the test they did under sedation needed to be repeated with less sedation meaning he would feel pain and be more awake.

He became more responsive and did pretty well with the exam. He then was trying to communicate. He started feeling the pain and it became so overwhelming and he started sobbing. His arms and legs were moving as he was writhing in pain. He was trying to get away from himself. He couldn’t even make a sound, because he has the breathing tube in. 

I was not ready for that. I can handle most things but as I learned today, that was something I can’t handle well at all. I saw his sweet little face wrinkle up in agony.  Tears welling in his eyes. “What’s wrong?” He would mouth to me. He was pointing at his chest. Looking at me with his swollen precious little face. “Hang in there buddy, your nurse is bringing meds to make the pain stop.” 

The nurse took a total of like 2 minutes to run and get the meds. She was speedy quick. That was the longest two minutes of Ethan’s and my life I think. It felt like everything was in slow motion. I was thinking,  Ugh hurry up! But his nurse was in fact hurrying as fast as she could.

I was trying to calmly tell him nothing was wrong but I could hear the unsteadiness in my own voice.  I know he heard it too. I told him that they needed to stop his pain meds and sedation  to do a normal test (ok so that was a fib but he doesn’t need to know that) I was legit losing it and frankly I think I am emotionally traumatized.  

I was wiping his tears off of his crumpled face as well as the tears off my own. What a helpless feeling to be in. I couldn’t do anything but stand there and hold his hand. I couldn’t fix it instantly. I hated every nano second of it. Now I just feel like I got hit by a bus....and then it backed up over me....and hit me again. The tightness in the back of my throat and the swelling in my eyes paints my emotional mural on my face for today.

He is now sedated!  No pain. Resting comfortably. Phew! Deep breath. I am not as comfortable. I am trying to do some breathing and stretching and just stop ugly crying long enough to collect myself. That left a scar. I am trying to just go through it and cry it out. I think the lack of sleep is catching up with me. They aren’t going to do that exam again with his pin meds off.  That was torture to watch. Imagine going through it?

As far as his exam.  He does not need any further imaging or testing at this point today. He will be assessed daily. They really aren’t overly worried regarding his stroke. They will follow it, we will deal with what that brings over the next several weeks. His communication when he is comfortable is coherent. I feel encouraged because when he does stir, his is asking and doing things he would normally do, but he is sedated. I was informed “off the record” the neurology team is the team that tells everyone horrific news.  Today, with Ethan’s case, they were very positive. They even called in the adult stroke team.  They were also positive. I think the stroke is going to be a bump in the road for him.

I hope no one ever has to go through something like this.my gift for today is that the sun is shining. I also know that each day will be one day closer to getting home.