💪🏻12/27 7:20 am

Delirium gets worse at night. Ethan had a different overnight nurse last night. We have had him before. He is a delight.  I was so tired yesterday I forgot to put in my ear plugs. I woke up around midnight because I heard the nurse say “I need you to calm down or you are going to hurt yourself”. What the...I jumped out of bed. “What’s going on?” He explained that Ethan’s delirium caused his blood pressure to go down and his lung pressure to start to rise. This is the perfect storm for a pulmonary hypertension crisis just like last time when he arrested.

Ethan has been very good at listening to my voice. I held his hand and his nurse and I talked him through it. Last night was a rough night in the floor. There was a baby two doors down that was not doing well. There were no extra people to help my nurse. I told him he and I were going to be a team and he just needed to tell me what to do. 

We made a good team, again he is delightful, and this kid (the nurse, he is young and apparently I am old because I am calling him a kid) was running to get meds. He was sprinting down the hall like a startled rabbit.

This scenario happened multiple times. This resulted in not much sleep. That’s ok. I will catch up at some point.

When xray came in, Ethan had his worst episode yet. I saw the numbers. I saw the storm. Just like last time he went into cardiac arrest. I could feel anxiety trying to cripple me. My stomach hurt, I couldn’t swallow. “Ethan breath and relax” very slowly and very calmly.  The alarms were screaming which is a pitch that pierces the soul. I kept repeating over and over “breath and relax.  Breath and relax” Almost so I was convincing myself to do the same.

I had formulated a plan to lower the bed if I saw him arrest. I could then start compressions while his nurse got emergency drugs and everyone filed in our room. This would give him the best chance possible and it would be best to do on a flat bed instead of reclined bed.

Earlier when I had gone to use the bathroom, they had this barrier up. I knew right away the baby two doors down had passed away. It was such a small baby. Due to circumstance, the parents couldn’t visit the baby very frequently. Of course I can’t learn anymore information due to HIPPA laws. I was so grateful for having Ethan, soon to be for 18 years. Those poor parents. That is the worst! Makes me want to puke.

Ethan was able to work through his episode which is progress. No compressions. No drama. I have proceeded to embrace my hair will be fully grey when I return home.The last time he couldn’t work through it. His cardiologist came in to check on him due to the event shortly after. I told him I thought the delirium was worse at night. He said they would address it at rounds. I am certain this is a product of delirium. 

I am currently getting ready to take a nap. Last night was not restful. This is all part of healing. The fact he was able to work through this is very good. It is just shaving some years off my life isn’t the process.