3/16

5:30 am. Ethan and I are both sleeping.  I am woken up by a knock at the door. As I am deciding if I just heard the knock or not, I hear a booming lady’s voice “good morning, I am here to draw labs.” Why is she so happy this time of the morning?

She comes in and flips on the brightest light in the room while I am still trying to process what is happening. Ugh! It was so bright. I was not ready and was blinded (me being dramatic). Who knew light could be used as a torture device? Poor Ethan. He went through the same experience AND got poked.... in the hand. The hand is the worst.

Ethan attended his class. We already fell behind because he fell asleep after dialysis and we didn’t complete a homework assignment. It is clear that I am not much help with the homework. Whenever I give him a confident answer it is typically wrong and gives our financial advisor another reason for job security. I keep saying “this is why you hire people to help you.”

Ethan has been a little down the last few days.  Just more quiet.  He seemed like he sort of shit down a little. With a bit of prodding, he shared that he felt like he was in prison with no end in sight. He felt that he was sitting stagnant without any progress. He was missing home. So close, yet so far away.

He then said “I am in hell.” His face was defeated.

I have said those exact words. I have felt that exact way for different reasons. It is the worst feeling too. A very helpless spot for me to be in. I can see his progress.

I scrolled back to my blog entry from January 5 th at 10:30. I read him my entry. It was about how my hell was stealing all my enjoyment and I was left feeling miserable.  I shared with him how I decided to kick hell in the balls and how I was able to do it. The realization that you can do this is so powerful. We worked on kicking his hell in the balls too.

Our PT car guy came and Ethan decided he wanted some candy. We walked down to the gift shop. Ethan looked over all the candy and snacks with the goal of increasing his caloric intake. I pointed out the ice cream. PT car guy had fun. We pretend that whenever we leave the room we are looking for signs of Sasquatch. Trash on the floor.....must be Sasquatch. This all stemmed from a show we saw on the travel channel when there were a team of men looking for Sasquatch. It has been a running joke since. At this point we crack up when we point something out.

When Ethan got back to the room, his spirits were a little better. He then ate lunch. I privately met with the psych team to discuss what was going on. I also talked to cardiology about the timing of tests and making them NOT at 5:30 am. They decided to skip one of the overnight vitals. Phew!

I lobbied for lowering his feeds to get him more ounces to drink during the day. We agreed on during the week he has to have his current amount of feeds. Over the weekend, when they restrict his ounces even more, they will discontinue feeds and he will gain those ounces as drinkable ounces.

I went to the kidney transplant center a few doors down and had my bloodwork drawn to see if I am a match. After I had my blood drawn they handed me a urine cup and told me to use the bathroom in the hall.

 I knocked on the door and someone was in there. I waited patiently. I waited and waited. I then asked if there was another bathroom I could use. The blood draw lady told me that was the only one. Ugh! It had been so long that I KNEW I didn’t want to use that bathroom. 

The person with the man in the bathroom was standing outside the door by that point. The man opened the door and proceeded to vomit loudly. Oh come on! I took a walk. I was looking for another bathroom. 

I couldn’t find another bathroom but it had been about 10 minutes. I went back to the vomit bathroom. I held my breath, filled the cup and washed my hands with scalding hot water. I ran out of there and took in the fresh air. Ugh! I was so disgusted.

I returned back to Ethan and we ordered dinner. As I waited for dinner, I had two meetings. I then picked up dinner from across the street. It was BBQ. This was chosen specifically to flip off his hell. He enjoyed the meal. Not something he’ll would like.

We had a nice, quiet meal, and a friend popped by from 9Tower. We are hoping tonight is a little quieter. Dialysis will be here at sunrise. I will try to beat them to our bathroom to shower.