6/30/21

I woke up today. I woke up early on my “day off” which I say in jest. I laid in bed, under caffeinated. It was still dark but I stared at the ceiling fan going around and around and around. My mind was blank yet full.

What the hell is that noise? I wondered. A continuous series of three beeps, then a pause, then three beeps. It was faint to the point I even questioned if I was actually hearing it or not.

I cleared my mind with a phone game. I like to play games on my phone because I have to use all my brain power to focus and I can’t think of anything else. Some people do heroine, I play games on my phone and drink coffee. We all have addictions.

The noise I later discovered, was Ethan’s dialysis machine and had been doing this series of beeps all night long. Ethan slept through it. Wow!

Paul woke up and asked me what I was doing today. With a heavy sigh, I told him. I was overwhelmed and listed off a list that wouldn’t stop. I had verbal diarrhea all over Paul. It was practically dripping off of him. I vented how pissed I was, how frustrated I was and I think I managed to overwhelm him with the sheer amount of verbal diarrhea that I spewed all over him.

The more I talked, the more I hit the wall. He patiently listened and sympathized and said “what can I do to help?” That was exactly what I needed. I gave him some MCC stuff to juggle which is a huge weight off my shoulders.

I am tired. Hell is grasping it’s grubby little talons around me to hold me back from joy. I made myself get up and ready to take Ethan to the lab, then the bank. When I got home I had a decently long and therapeutic cry. 

I attended my virtual appointments. They went well for the most part. I began to cry when asked about Medicare. I explained that the shit show has graduated into a hippo shit show (which is really a thing, look it up on YouTube).  This poor woman also received my verbal diarrhea of all I have gone through trying to apply.

I collected myself and finished that appointment with 2 minutes to spare until the start of the next appointment. Ethan saw that I looked a bit frazzled and gave me a big hug. 

When I joined the next appointment, one of the questions I was asked was “why are you donating your kidney? Why not have someone else donate theirs? You seem to have a lot on your plate.” While I can understand the concern from this providers point of view, I was a little put off and annoyed by the comment. 

Moms fix things for their kids. If I am able to help, I am beyond honored to do so. She suggested finding  Ethan a living donor on social media. What? He can’t just get any kidney. 

“Are you a mom?” I asked “yes.” She said. If you were able to give your kidney to your child to help them live their life with quality, would you do it?” “Well I guess I would.” She said. So there was that, but she still kept up and tried to convince me to consider looking for someone else.

I didn’t understand because I have been cleared and am in good health. I started to feel myself getting upset to where the rude was going to come out.  So I ended it with “I am a match, I will be the donor, this is not up for discussion.”

After that I started working on our collections issue. I called the insurance company. When I finally got through, the person that answered the phone listened as I explained my problem. She told me I dialed the wrong department. She then proceeded to give the direct line phone number to the department I needed….which was the exact number I had called. What the…..so I asked her to transfer me…..to her own department…..the one I had called, directly. Oh boy.

Frustrated and overwhelmed I begged a lady at the insurance company to help me resolve some collections issues. I pleaded my case to her and she tried to pass me along to someone else. After I was placed on hold, she came back on and said she was, in fact, the person I needed to talk to. 😳 then I was worried that maybe she was insane in the membrane.

She actually looked into some things and did some digging. While nothing was resolved, I do think it is being dealt with. So I consider that a win.

I was finally able to get through and confirm that SSI received my paperwork. The lady in charge of my case is out of the office for a week or two and will get to it when she returns. Hopefully we can move forward with that.

Then I decided to make a pot pie for dinner. That felt good. That tasted good. 

Later, I went to grab something out of my room. That is when I saw kindness and love on my nightstand. Avery had written me a little note in the midst of my little breakdown, to lift my spirits. Wow! What a kid! I am keeping it forever.