8/13

 Hot! That is the word that best describes today. A perfect temperature to spend at the lake. Floating in the lake was relaxing.

Paul and I have not spent this much time together in quite some time. Most of the time we are passing ships in the night. We share a house and a bed, but he is not up when I leave for work and I am doing dialysis or other stuff while he is mowing and doing man jobs around the house.   Ahhhh. This is the wedded bliss we have been trying to achieve for so many years. 

Ethan did some editing today, on one of the videos he is making for his heart journey. I sent him some videos and pictures from the first few days after his transplant. It has been so therapeutic for him (since he does NOT want any therapy or talk about his feelings with a professional….yet). I hope some day he changes his mind. He has to be ready to accept it when he decides it’s time.

Even I struggle sometimes when people give me a hard time about what I have or haven’t done, what choices I have made or decisions we are following through on. Or someone is snippy, I just don’t have time or the desire to deal with it. I get crabby and then have developed the coping skill of reminding myself that I am doing the best I can. This is all I have to give and it is certainly going to be good enough. 

I know Ethan can get frustrated at times with his limitations. Coming to terms with asking for help is hard for both of us. We are do-ers, problem solvers, but sometimes help is needed.

I went on a walk this morning with Penny, the least mentally active dog we have. She is physically active, but just not a lot going on in the thinking area. I watched her sniff things and bark at stuff that wasn’t really there. She is cute. She is good company. It can get numbing to go through each day to work, dialysis, appointments and repeat. There is no time to stop and dwell but sometimes it is just…..like walking through a colorless world.

As I was walking with Penny, the colors came back into my world. I don’t always pay attention and don’t even fully notice when they are slipping away. There were brilliant wildflowers, purple and yellow ones. Many of them. They were dancing in the breeze. Almost waving to Penny and I, a big and friendly “hello”.

They were saying….you will get through these next several months. Just make sure you take some moments and look for the color. Find your joy.

I found joy on my walk with Penny. I found my joy hanging out with friends and Paul too. We took the dogs on a walk this evening and he listened as I chatted away at everything on my mind. It was helpful. I know the dogs had fun too.

These escape weekends will be few and far between soon. We need to enjoy the moment and receive them as the gift that they are. I am so thankful for them. And yes, that is an umbrella I added to my chair to avoid horrific sunburn.