8/16/21

On my lunch break I was able to order more medications for Ethan, submit more paperwork for Medicaid and take a walk with Avery and the dogs to fulfill my “exercise” portion of my healthy lifestyle plan. The sunshine therapy was nice too. 

When I got home from work, Ethan was really excited to share that he had taped and edited his next YouTube video. I provided the link below.

https://youtu.be/kIgh6vAT8v8

He has changed how he is editing and sharing it. He is now reading my blog posts that I kept while I was in NYC. This was the best decision I have ever made as it captures each event and ounce of information given to me. While blogging, I was filming to help Ethan share his story before we even knew he had one so impressive. Well I finally got to the one that knocked me down and left my emotional state mangled.

His video was done well. I laughed out loud at several parts. Then, I knew it was coming. The entry that left a scar on me and changed me. There are a couple that stand out but this was the first.  The day they lifted Ethan’s sedation. I remember each moment. It was as painful to listen to as it was to live through on that day. I was losing my mind that day.  I joined myself back on that day and just had a good sob. Then I couldn’t stop sobbing. Now my eyes are swollen and when I thought I had passed these awful memories, I was stung like a murder bee. (I may be a little dramatic, but probably not because I imagine it hurts!). Usually I feel like I am handling things ok. But I had a little stumble tonight.

This was a tough one to live through again. While I know that I can easily avoid these triggers, I guess I didn’t realize I would be triggered. Plus it was a real part of our lives. It is part of his story (and mine). So many people have awful things that happen to them and they don’t want to face them. Sometimes facing what happened can give you a refreshed appreciation of your strength and what you have accomplished.

I was just as upset today as the day they lifted Ethan’s sedation too much. It will forever scar me. But man, we have come such a long way. We have our ups and downs that very few people can even relate to.  It’s an odd thing to have a life experience that very few can relate to.

I am mentally exhausted today. When dialysis comes to an end, I will try to lay down and go to sleep speedy quick. I don’t think it will be hard for me. I can’t wait until the next video by Ethan. They keep getting better and better.  His stroke jokes are making us all laugh.

“Even I have more coordination than that, and I had a stroke.” It cracks me up every time.