10/28

Tensions are running high in this house. As we navigate through Ethan’s anxiety and him worrying that he won’t make it home after transplant. We argued over schoolwork today, but it was evident that wasn’t why Ethan argued with me. We don’t really argue, so this was a fun time (and by fun, I mean NOT fun).

His point is that school work is a “waste of time”. Of course I got upset by this statement. After a while I realized he is so worried he is not coming home after transplant, that he is actively living like this is his last month alive. I was talking about balancing work and fun. He couldn’t verbalize it but he is worried this is his last month alive and he doesn’t want to spend his last month alive on schoolwork. Listening is key. I almost missed this information hidden within his teenage nonsensical banter with me. We were arguing over two completely different issues.

I keep telling him that he needs to go to someone to work through his anger of having these health issues, anxiety over death and feelings of no one understanding the hell he has been going through. There are very few that have experience with it but they can teach coping skills and work through thought processes. Maybe he will feel better about it in a few years.

I finally stopped talking because we are both so stubborn (I think he must get that from Paul) that it was a moot point.

The feelings are real. I am sad that he feels this way. I am not a therapist and don’t even pretend to know the answers. I don’t really know how to effectively help him navigate such a heavy emotional and physical burden that he has been thrown. He says he feels alone because no one knows what it is like. I understand that as sometimes I feel the same way. Luckily I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Avery is processing. Paul is processing. As I said to Ethan yesterday, everyone close to him is processing their feelings and emotions as we prepare for this battle. It may manifest as anxiety, sadness, anger….it is a normal stress cycle and will get better as we all acclimate to the idea.

I do think that all of this is just coming to terms with having a date. 

On a side note, the bright side of today was I brought home a lunch guest for Ethan. She is a beautiful girl. She is quiet and loving. She likes to be snuggled. Ethan really was fond of her. Her name is “Beamer”.  We actually aren’t sure if she is a boy or girl. It doesn’t really matter to us. She is our clinic bearded dragon. She lives at my work. But Ethan wanted to meet her.