4/20/22

Flying is definitely an experience. Our experience started as we were leaving the hotel. I had scheduled an Uber to pick us up and take us to the airport. Apparently the guy was ready to leave as we approached the vehicle 3 minutes early, because he chose to arrive so early. What?

This man did not disappoint. 😡 As we got into the car the stench was horrific. It smelled like stale cigarettes and a years worth of farts. I didn’t really want to touch the fatty seats. Avery and I both had masks on, as mandated by the Uber app. So the stench got trapped in our masks. We found this to be extra special, at 5:30 in the morning, without being properly caffeinated.

I can always tell how Avery is doing by when in the day she starts saying someone should “get hit by a bus.” While she doesn’t want anyone to be inflicted physical harm, for the most part, it is a way to gauge frustration.

As we embarked on our excruciatingly long journey of 18 terrible minutes, it is important to remember that every situation has a bright side.

This driver had more diarrhea coming out of his mouth than a whipperwill’s ass.

He told us all about the Stephen King novels he has read. He told us about the various places he has lived and jobs he has held. Then he shared that he was an animal loved and new lots of information about animals. He has a dog and a cat. He used to have two cats, but one got out and Animal Control caught him, and they “gassed” him. (What?) 

Now, I have worked with animal control officers. They don’t typically resort to “gassing” animals. Also, it isn’t like a concentration camp at the animal control office. They don’t gather thousands of pets and put them in the gas chamber. They don’t even use gas.

He also shared that his 8 week old kitten was pregnant (what the….) and will likely have kittens when she is 6 months old. Cats are only pregnant for about 63 days or so. His math is a little off, but I didn’t tell him.

He has a dog. When I asked him what kind he responded “a stray.” 

He then shared this elaborate, horrific story about how much he loves animals. His neighbor (about 45 years ago when he was 20) had a little dog. It was attacked by a bigger dog. The neighbor was distraught watching his little dog get attacked. The driver then says, he grabbed a hammer and started hitting the bigger, attacking dog in the head. 

He then describes the scene in details I care not to relive. He continues the story that once he started that he had to finish but the dog didn’t die right away, so he just kept hitting it. He said he put the dog in a bag to bury it, but someone noticed it was still breathing. The dog lived about 20 minutes after the hammer incident. 

Avery and I were horrified. Horrified and traumatized. I changed the subject as best  as I could. This man was just chatting up a storm. A hurricane Katrina type storm.

As we exited the vehicle, Avery says “ I hope he gets hit by a bus.” It was before 6 am. This isn’t going to be good. The bright side was we never have to see this man again.

We get in line as we were processing the horror of what we just had to live through. Wondering why this man felt it was appropriate to tell us that horrible story.

We had our turn at the kiosk. They have 4 of them to check in on, but like 100 people trying to do it all at once. The kiosk asks 500 questions. There is a lag in between each and every question. Avery asked me “What does this thing have, like. ½ of a gigabyte of memory?”

The guy behind us asked me how to use the kiosk. So I stopped to help him and his family. He shared he hasn’t flown in 25 years.

We go through the screening area. I float through just fine, but Avery’s left foot set off the metal detector thing. They had to wand over her foot to make sure she wasn’t a national terrorist. They found nothing of course. Her bag was detained as well and transferred over to a different area for a search. She was PISSED.

Typical southern speed, it took about 15 minutes from the time they set the bag off to the side until they finally searched it. They confiscated her hair product. It was more than 3 oz. I had forgotten to remind her to be mindful of that stuff in her carryon. This will likely be something she will never forget. It sucked because they took her stuff but she handled it quite well and mature. She quietly hoped they got hit by a bus, but they were doing their job.

They JUST lifted the mask mandate for people on airplanes. We still wore ours to make sure we don’t bring anything home to Ethan.

Paul and Ethan still have been having trouble communicating in an effective way. While we were away, this trend has continued. It is difficult to navigate for me, as I have given Paul tips on how to communicate with Ethan. I think with the combination of Paul’s high expectations of Ethan during Ethan’s depressed state, and their lack of being able to find common ground, it is hard to watch Paul struggle with this. He is a burrito wrapped up with frustration, hurt and anger. He is in counseling for it but sometimes these things take time and that sucks. We just do the best we can to move forward. Some days are better than others.

We arrived home and began to furiously unpack, do laundry and get the house situated. I had bills to pay, emails to compose, Instacart groceries to shop for.

It was a great trip. I learned a lot. The views were breathtaking. Avery and I had a lot of laughs. We shared a king and had a long sleepover. I loved it. We are glad to be home. I missed Paul, Ethan and the dogs.