8/10/22

 Ethan had his MRI this morning. The car ride was quiet. This isn’t something that he necessarily was anxious about, but he was annoyed he had to do it. He feels he has no choice. I haven’t really given him one, because we have come too far to just stop. 

Over the past few days I have noticed Ethan becoming increasingly withdrawn. Last night was pretty bad. He barely said two words and stayed in his room away from the family. I know he is 19, but still…..

I went in for a few minutes while the nurse asked the questions. I confirmed the kidney friendly contrast. The nurse asked if I wanted to wait with Ethan or in the waiting room. I decided to wait in the waiting room, so I wouldn’t be in the way. 

After I left, Ethan said that the nurse asked him about his upcoming heart transplant in November 2022. Ethan wasn’t very comfortable after that KNOWING that they didn’t read his chart. This was even after we filled out the check in sheet with the dates of transplant on it. We just need to stay super diligent. It really makes me quite anxious to ever leave him alone at an appointment.

After Ethan was done, I could tell he was mad. He rushed past where I was sitting in the waiting room, towards the door heading to the car. He couldn’t get into the car without me (I think he realized this) and turned in my direction, as if to say “hurry up”, but actually said nothing. Ok I get it, you are pissed.

Trying to avoid pissing him off further, we drove home silently and I asked no questions. Not a pleasant experience to say the least. When we got in the house, I started to get ready to take Avery and her friend, “back to school” shopping.

As I stood up in the kitchen, Ethan walked in and basically said he is sick of all the “bullshit” appointments. He wants a life with no medical appointments. He is mad at his situation. He is frustrated with his situation, he felt like he doesn’t have a lot of friends, he doesn’t want anyone to help him, but he has no hope and feels worthless. It was presented differently, but that was the jist of it. It was the gross reality of depression and the effects it has on not only the person, but the family as well.

We had a hard conversation about how, at this point, he is the only one that can help him. I offered suggestions like extra sessions with his psychologist or even discussing his feeling with the psychologist. He didn’t want help beyond his weekly appointments. I suggested more times a week or something……It seems as if he hasn’t shared this with the psychologist but I am not privy to what they discuss.

I am frustrated with Ethan for his negative attitude. I am frustrated with our situation. I am frustrated and sad to hear the words coming out of his mouth, and knowing we have come so far to hit another road block. Mental illness is tough. Living with someone with mental illness is tough too.

After talking with some friends, they encouraged me to reach out to the psychologist. He will not respond to me or give me any information. I know this based on incidents from the past. But as a friend pointed out, they can still read it. It may help them navigate the session more productively. So I wrote a plea full email. I actually started it off by asking for a bill for Ethan’s previous sessions (we pay out of pocket). I snuck the other, like 10 paragraphs in there. I can only hope that Ethan tries to work on changing his attitude.

I know he’s hurting. It hurts me to watch. I want to just shake him and tell him how lucky he is. I know he will never see it from a different point of view. I simply told him “I love you. I am here to help. You just have to help yourself first and then allow others to help you.”

I am emotionally drained. I do have to say that my friends took me out this afternoon for a visit at a local restaurant. It was really yummy and couldn’t have appreciated it more….the timing was impeccable.

They also shared some wise words:

I think Ethan mulled over what I had said. I noticed that his Instagram page was asking for people to hang out with him. He was putting hims of out there. Baby steps in the right direction. He is trying. That offers me hope.

Mental illness totally sucks. Parents shouldn’t have to watch their kids go through this. It is torture.