8/27/22

 I don’t really like to do it, but I revisited some old video from Ethan’s heart transplant. Wow! He was one sick kid. He was wasted away. I was immediately brought back to sounds, smells and familiar staff voices. 

I am convinced that all the machines binging and bonging have impacted my hearing in a negative way. 

At the time I just saw progress, living day in and day out n the front row seat. Seeing a video, was like “wow! He was a super sick kid”. His face gaunt and just a fraction of himself. 

Ethan is considering not going back to school in the fall. He thinks it will help him focus on his mental health. He is hating the curriculum and doesn’t want to be an automotive mechanic.

We pushed him in that direction just because we didn’t know what to do. He tried. He doesn’t want to continue. This summer has been especially awful as his classes were completely unable to hold his focus.

I fully support him with his decision. He has always been a do-er. He makes things happen for himself and always has. He tried the college thing and he wants to take a break. 

As I look at the shell of a picture of him and remember what we all went through, I can understand why and how he needs time to heal.

He took a Meyers Briggs personality test. He discovered his personality type and had been learning about what makes him tick. He and I have discussed how we can communicate better. I will try. I told him I will also try to respect his space but expected him to pick up full time hours. He will be taking on most of his bills now, while still living at home.

I view it as a transition into adulthood. He will get there. My mom told me that my job right now is “to just love him”. I am doing just that. While Ethan and I may not share the same views on everything, as I looked at this picture tonight and watched some old videos…..I am thankful to see a much fuller and healthier Ethan in real time. I am glad I documented the worst of the worst so he can see how far he has come. I can be thankful he is a pain in my ass.

Not only did he fight for his life, he beat addiction (that he had no choice in starting). He has a purpose, he just has to figure it out.

On that note, make sure to live each day, thankful for those special to you. Thankful for the days you have with your family and those you consider family.