1/4/23

Day 14 of being flat. Waiting. Why is it so hard? I need something to look forward to. It is a strange place to be to be excited for surgery. I can remember being excited to donate my kidney. It meant freedom from dialysis and a new life for Ethan.  I am excited for this surgery to happen. To be able to sleep in my bed, cook, keep the fire going….little everyday tasks I have always taken for granted.

I never really thought about how I would be excited to do my own laundry or drive or sit.

I made another call to the scheduling center this morning. I left another message. I waited another couple hours and sent a “my chart” message to the doctor to try and exposure. I while later I got the call.

My surgery is on the 19 th. I begged for a sooner date. I begged to get on the cancellation list.

So it will be another 15 days. I am frustrated. I am let down. I am feeling sorry for myself and trying to embrace this crushing pain for another 15 days. I am trying to figure out HOW to live with the crushing pain another 15 days?

I broke down. I cried, which I don’t normally do. Cried and sobbed wondering how am I going to get through the next 15 days. How am I going to get through all the trips to the bathroom from the couch,  which is mostly the only movement I do in a vertical position. 

Ugh!

So I have to find the bright side. Avery said the bright side was it was that it wasn’t longer than 15 days. I know I should think that is a bright side but to me it is my flat prison sentence. But it isn’t.

I struggled to come up with the bright side.  As I lay on the couch nauseous from the pain…walking to the bathroom not knowing if I am going to vomit or just spit a few times….my bright side was the fact that Ethan kept the fire going all day today. Avery picked up the groceries. Ethan helped her carry them in and Avery put them away.  I have people willing to do anything for us. That is my bright side. 

I am taking some of the good drugs tonight to subside the pain. I am hoping I will sleep well and escape the pain for a little bit.