The campground we are camping at took us the same route as we take driving to NYC. I realized part of my crankiness the night we arrived was partially because I just HATE that route. It causes me underlying anxiousness. I kept saying to Paul, “ugh, I feel like I am going to NYC.”
It’s so weird how trauma and stress work. It even seems like as time goes on, it is getting worse. These trips are getting more infrequent. Only every 4 months. I do attribute it to knowing Ethan hates it and is miserable and sometimes I feel I take the brunt of that. While it sucks, it also is comforting in a weird way that he feels so comfortable to act out his insecurities and frustrations with me.
17 days from the next trip and I have already started to feel the swirling dread of the trip. Not because I think something is going terribly wrong, it is more the long drive, hassle of Uber, fitting all of the appointments into a short time and driving home all in a short period of time. In addition, I feel like I have to be on high alert to advocate to hurry up, don’t give us the student, you come to us in recovery after the biopsy, the coordinating to decrease our time in the building. I have to triple check the blood is going to be drawn at the correct time, meds are taken, strategically feed Ethan to decrease the hangry.
So many moving parts. Ethan survives the day. He has his own worry and anxiety to work through. He is the one with the painful procedures. He needs help remembering to eat to avoid crankiness. He is usually worked up enough that he doesn’t feel hungry.
As I sat having my coffee this morning, these were all the thoughts running through my head. The behind the scenes, background “noise” that happens with these appointments.
I look at my coffee mug. It is a captured moment so many moons ago. It signifies how far we have come. It is a little funny as sometimes we all just “want a toilet”. We all just want normalcy. It also shows that we will get through it, conquer it and move on….but the dread leading up to it is real!
Once in the creek, he played in the water, dove for rocks and did a little swimming/strength training for his hind legs as he has lost muscle mass in his hind end. When he got a rock, he would carry it around for a while like a goofball.
He was so happy! When we were done, he was so excited, he wanted to run at top speed. Paul ran with him for a short distance through the trails back to the camper. Phineas then slept the rest of the day, with a smile on his face.
Later we checked out a local brewery. The wood work was very intricate. They used wooden pegs to hold things together instead of screws/nails.
Our group then traveled back to the campground. There is a golf course within the campground. The golf course had a bar. We ended up sitting outside and listening to a band. The band was good.
It was a bit chilly at the campfire. I wrapped up in a blanket. For a morning that started with dread, the day traveled away from that and was really fun. Sometimes distraction is a gift!
yes!
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