2/13/25

 We have an appointment with Ethan’s nephrologist to address the kidney values that are dropping. Ethan is 25 points away from needing dialysis. He is frustrated. I am frustrated. He has some time bit who knows how much?

He has an appointment at the end of February. He is beginning to feel the stress of potentially needing another kidney. I know it is heavy on his mind as he is verbalizing his fears. I share his fears. I have been quietly carrying the burden of those fears for the both of us. 

Coping skills are nice. I do allow myself to disengage from the fear at times but it is always there. I can also be distracted from it. I stay occupied with other things. Disengagement and distraction is probably not the textbook way to cope, but it gives me a break. At least it isn’t drinking or drugs. I have that in my favor.

Of course, at some point Ethan will likely need dialysis again. It may be a little harder to do at home with no access port. We are starting to prepare for that as next steps. Just not sure when that will take place. It could be 6 months, 2 years, who knows. Life will let us know.

Dialysis did take a lot out of me. Luckily I can work from home and do it while I work, but we don’t have the freedom to travel on dialysis as much. There are ways around it but the stress of thinking about dialysis again makes me want to puke. We will see what happens at this appointment.

We were given this path for a reason. We have proven time and time again that we can overcome these set backs. I would much rather replace a kidney than a heart.

I do worry about the mental setback for Ethan. I don’t want to go through angry and depressed Ethan again. 

My belly is feeling much better. Today I had some yogurt and rice (not together). It’s the diet of a toddler.

Paul asked me if I wanted to go to Margaritas tomorrow for Valentine’s Day. I politely declined as I am just not willing to take that chance yet. We decided to rain check that offer. 

Besides, Aldi had heart shaped tater tots. I am going to make meatloaf and tater-tots. I am probably not going to eat it though.