Ethan’s Journey

Today I set another boundary. I will not be bullied into doing something. I had a lady yelling at me today. She was yelling at me, pointing her finger in my face because she thought I should complete a particular task. She was capable of completing the task by making a phone call, but felt that her time was more valuable than mine, therefore I should do the task for her.  This was an adult woman carrying on like this. In what world is this behavior acceptable? Unfortunately, this behavior, in no way, motivated me to complete the task. In fact, I set the boundary that I wasn’t going to help at all. That is exactly what I did for her. NOTHING. I didn’t raise my voice to match hers. I didn’t karate chop her in the gizzard (but I thought about it). I am so sick of people acting barbaric toward one another and thinking it is acceptable. She should be ashamed and embarrassed by her display and lack of emotional intelligence. I can’t even engage with those actions. So I didn’t. This evening,

Ethan has officially withdrawn from his fall classes as well as his curriculum. He seems like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He is worried society will judge him for his decisions. Maybe yes, maybe no? I told him that it is part of his healing journey. I felt frustrated today. Not with Ethan’s decision. But just in general. I got an email this morning saying that Ethan has a kidney biopsy on Wednesday. What? It was scheduled today. A few weeks ago the doctor said his bloodwork looked good and cancelled it. I had to send an email to his coordinator to let her know as well as we won’t be showing up. I was frustrated with machines failures at work. Normally I can troubleshoot that stuff, this was beyond my realm especially on a Monday. When I got home, a friend left a beautiful box of Tequila Paloma’s for me. Total bright spot ❤️.  Decompressing is good. Avery and I walked the dogs around the field a few times. Animals are funny just kicking their heals up and care free.  I d

Ethan is still working on his car. He thinks he has it fixed. Time will tell. He was supposed to go to Buffalo to a car event, but it somehow fell through. I started a new cleaning project. I am cleaning/organizing our small desk nook. Some of the things in that are are piled with layers of dusk. I have completely neglected the area since Covid hit, as I was just overwhelmed and it wasn’t high on the priority list. I found notes I had written about the kids accomplishments at age 8 months and up…little stories of what they did or said. I safely packed them away after reading and giggling about them to myself. Paul was away this weekend. Avery was at work, Ethan was in the garage…. I just quietly read and chuckled at some of the stuff. It was my bright spot….I gave it to myself….ha ha. I do intend on some day having time to organize these little stories and present them to the kids in the form of a book. Some day. The dogs annoyed me today, so I punished them by making them walk extra l

 I don’t really like to do it, but I revisited some old video from Ethan’s heart transplant. Wow! He was one sick kid. He was wasted away. I was immediately brought back to sounds, smells and familiar staff voices.  I am convinced that all the machines binging and bonging have impacted my hearing in a negative way.  At the time I just saw progress, living day in and day out n the front row seat. Seeing a video, was like “wow! He was a super sick kid”. His face gaunt and just a fraction of himself.  Ethan is considering not going back to school in the fall. He thinks it will help him focus on his mental health. He is hating the curriculum and doesn’t want to be an automotive mechanic. We pushed him in that direction just because we didn’t know what to do. He tried. He doesn’t want to continue. This summer has been especially awful as his classes were completely unable to hold his focus. I fully support him with his decision. He has always been a do-er. He makes things happen for himself

 Ferguson woke up this morning ready to play, run, bark at stuff and pee on everything outside. What a tough little dude. Avery and I went on a date this afternoon, after work. We went out to dinner. Ethan has been working on getting his car back home so he can fix it. It has been at his work for a week or so. Paul is working on fixing our awning on our camper. It ripped. We aren’t really too surprised since the camper is 10 years old. That awning held up good. Our neighbor down the road has a black goat. The goat has free range of the yard and is often seen grazing near the road or being naughty and getting into the field next to it’s house and eating the crops.  This goat is often a bright spot for me. Yes, we live in the country. Today, the goat was guarding the driveway. He was laying on his knees and elbows, in the driveway, with a stinky goat face on, silently judging all the people driving by his house. It was hysterical.

Work went well. Ferguson had his dental cleaning today. Each year, he has a few more teeth removed. This year it was only one tooth. Wow! It was a big tooth though. That means that he got some good drugs. I am certain that if Ferguson was human, he would be a drug addict. He LOVES drugs. He would have lots of gold chains and throw gang signs up with his hands.  He had a “caution” and “will bite” sign on his cage because he is sometimes naughty. Today he was super good. I was supposed to work late, but another coworker (who is awesome) worked late instead. What a gift. With the bonus time, Avery and I walked around the field and then sat on the patio watching all the dogs and rabbit frolick around.  Paul joined us. He was grumpy so we started making fun of him. We finally got him laughing with us.  Ethan went to a friends house, which is good for his soul.  Not a bad Thursday at all.

Ethan and I had a chat today. It is the first time in like 2 weeks or so that we had a meaningful conversation. He shared some of the things he is talking to his psychologist about. We discovered that what I consider a coping skill of looking on the bright side, makes Ethan feel that his feelings are minimized (it could be worse). I find it comforting, he finds it frustrating and he used the example “it’s like telling a person with depression to smile…and then their depression will go away.” After we discovered this, we discussed that I can’t emotionally handle his negativity. We made an agreement that we will politely remind the other if either of these issues creeps up. Communication is key. It felt like a productive conversation, so I was happy about that. Today was spent cleaning, grocery shopping and catching up from our time away. I also gave all the pets outdoor time. Even Theo was hopping all around and eating my flowers. Avery got her hair cut for school. When she got home, sh