Ethan’s Journey

  Ahhhhh…look….those were the days I could sit.  Happy Birthday Paul! For Paul’s birthday, he had to set his alarm on his day off and heave me into the trunk and take me to physical therapy at 7:30 am. What a precious gift I am to him! Ha! I had my physical therapy session. I am trying to maintain what little muscle mass I have as I have been laying now for so long. The physical therapist said that you lose 3% muscle mass with each passing day of non-movement. I worked for a bit and then took a break. I have tried to distance myself from the Walker. I was upright long enough to heat up some chili and carry it to the couch. It was painful but I did it. I also walked unassisted to the bathroom. Independence has always been something I have strived for. I HATE relying on others. It’s so annoying. I want to be the one to help, not BE the one helped. I just have to accept it and move on.  I appreciate all the help we have received. I wish I didn’t need it. I did some deep thinking recently.

Today was another flat day. FLAT! 5 more days until my consult. Ugh! Sometimes I wonder if I can make it another 5 days with this horrific pain. Then a consult. I hope they have a quick turn about time for treatment. I wonder if humane euthanasia will be one of the treatment options. If I were a dog, I would wander out in the woods and just die on my own. However if I were a dog, I may also opt to gnaw my leg off and that just seems gross. Maybe I should focus on the other treatments they may offer. I actually am maintaining an optimistic outlook. I am feeling fairly calm and hopeful that I can be fixed.  That may be naive of me, but it could just be my coping skill. Thankfully work was busy today. It makes the day go faster, keeps my brain stimulated and gives me purpose which is important. My mom came over to visit. She brought us items for dinner. I opened my Christmas presents from her. Of course I was spoiled. I am wearing my new soft Jammie’s with dogs on them. So soft and comfy!

 The stars have aligned for me. I got a call first thing this morning that the neurosurgeon himself, directed the staff to call me and set up an appointment for January 3 rd!  The staff said that he has never done this before which makes me feel even better that someone cares. This is amazing and I can’t thank my friend enough for pulling this off for me.  She has worked with him and knows him well and trusts the way he practices medicine. This makes me feel more confident that I will be able to get the appropriate help I need. I can hang in there until January 3 rd. Patience is such a hard practice. Patience allows you to trust the “system” and know it will come through for you. It takes a lot of trust in something though. Somehow patience works out for me usually. It is just so hard to be patient sometimes in this instant gratification world we live in. I also have to look for how it worked for me. “Let’s rephrase that.” This is a phrase that was taught to me by a student from they p

The dogs are staying close. Phineas is out of sorts. He follows me around the house and walks with me. He isn’t relaxing all the way because he is keeping track of what I am doing. If I move a little, he is up checking on me. He lays right next to me. Dogs are such good friends. Little Jiminy is enjoying the radiant heat from the heating pad.   I worked all day laying down. I have this down pretty good. I am worried about my trip to florida and will likely have to cancel. I am so bummed. I even had a counter on my phone 16 days, 14 hours, 6 minutes and 8 seconds. I know I won’t go realistically, but I am going to do everything in my power to better my chances. I am determined though. Let me be determined until I accept the truth of not going. It is my motivation to get me through the day and do all my stretching and exercise. I was able to get an appointment for February 28 th.  I know this is not an acceptable amount of time to wait. With the help of a friend, she is going to try to g

  I was able to come home today! Yeah! I have to follow up with the spine center tomorrow to get a consult appointment. It is an expected 2-4 week wait for an appointment which makes me angry. I voiced how I felt this is inhumane. I will be calling every day to see if they can get me in sooner. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, right? They aren’t even sure what procedure they would be doing. It is based on how my improvement continues. Paul came and loaded me in the trunk so I could lay down for the ride home. Glad to get out of that craziness. With all the medications I am on, I do slip into La La Land now and again. My mind is completely blank. It is such a weird feeling.  We got me home and I settled into the couch. I did some work and then we decided to do our family Christmas. Ethan has expressed anxiety about opening presents in front of people in the previous days before I went to the hospital because he doesn’t react to the present, he just opens his and makes no noise or facial e

At about 10:30 pm last night, I got my next dose of morphine. I was then able to use a walker to hobble to the bathroom. I was pleased by my effort. When I came out, the orthopedic surgeon came to meet with me. He saw me hobbling along back to my bed (which I think was a good thing). He was really nice and we developed a plan. He told me I have two severely herniated discs. He is adding iv steroids. Finally, someone is listening. I told him that I needed to reduce the inflammation so I could be more able to do physical therapy and ambulate around. Then, I can strengthen that area and resolve the herniating, preferably without surgery. He said “we can start the steroid tomorrow morning.” Me: “ is there a reason you are waiting until then? I feel like I would like to start now to get a jump on resolving the inflammation.” Him” I suppose we can start it tonight.” Me: “do you have some in your pocket?” He chuckled. “No I am all out” I shook my head and teasingly told him that “I was disapp

 So, the noises in the hospital are so interesting. I have a neighbor that is watching old time movies, the guy coughing his brains out across the hall. The lady kitty corner to me having some sort of cardiac event. The lady down the hall coughing so aggressively I am not sure how she is still alive. I slept with my mask on to say the least. The hot and moist collection of morning breath in my mask was reminiscent of the days spent with Ethan in icu. Not pleasant. I requested a walker to get to the bathroom. The nurse insists on walking me there. This poor woman. She takes the brunt of my weight as I am bent over hobbling along.  When I woke up, I still had no relief. I also asked for some sort of stool softener with oxycodone. I would assume this would be a proactive standard protocol with opioids, which sadly isn’t the case. I want to make sure it doesn’t become an issue for me. Luckily they added them to my list. My MRI showed a severely herniated disc with other discs bulging. This