8/21/24 🦠

 I am off to the airport tomorrow. Paul gets anxious when he travels. I travel well but have “inside my brain” anxiety. I try to hide it so no one knows. 

I asked Paul what made him anxious about traveling. He said it was the hurry up and wait process. The process of getting through security, standing in lines, finding the right location to be, dealing with cancellations.

I think I am abnormal, my anxiety comes from the people. Not the number of people, because I do enjoy quietly lurking and watching them. My anxiety comes from what they are doing. I think about all the butts that have been on the seats I am sitting in. How many farts have happened there. How much bacteria is on them.

Anytime someone coughs, I envision tiny droplets of their toxic plague migrating to my lungs.and turning me into a vehicle to transport a cesspool of illness. Each cough heard makes my eye twitch as it rings in my ears. I typically hold my breath as long as I can so I don’t breath it in. This isn’t even logical as we are all in a small tube with recirculating air.

Then, I wonder where the droplets landed? Ever bathroom lock, chair handle, flat surface, self checkout at the stores in the airport, have what I consider “infection waiting to happen.” It induces a silent anger inside of me that triggers a monologue that is very unkind to someone with a tickle in their throat.

I know there are people that don’t wash their hands after using the restroom. All of their under carraige, below the belt funk is everywhere.

Going through security and seeing all the people with bare feet makes me wish I could be freed from my prison of worry. I always have socks in case someone has some sort of fungus. I stand on the outsides of my feet to reduce the surface area that I contact the floor with. I am anxious enough about it to plan my foot attire in advance.

I understand that these thoughts are outside of the scope of what others worry about. I am sure it stems from Covid trauma. I am not sure it will ever go away.

My coping skill with this is to avoid crowded locations until on the plane. I wash my hands multiple times and carry hand sanitizer. I also carry wipes to clean the seat and tray table. 

So welcome to the inside of my brain. Yikes.

I don’t feel that it is crippling though, just yucky, nagging and annoying. And always there.

Avery arrived home last night. Moe was helping her unpack. She dropped her bags off at the door and went to bed.

Moe brought her stuffed animal to me, then a bag of pistachios. I picked up her things. Later on I went outside and her rearranged some items in one of our rooms. He didn’t damage anything, just moved it around. Goofball!

Avery told me all about her trip. We did a few laps around the field for our fitness. The dogs came and ran like idiots all around having the time of their lives.

Ethan seemed to be in good spirits. He spent the evening chatting with his buddy. They were laughing. I like to hear him laughing.

Just need to get through the yucky illness tomorrow.