12/5/21

 I slept well and past the time my pain meds were due. Don’t get me wrong, I am still pretty sore. My skin feels tight, like it is going to rip open. It is swollen and bruised. It feels heavy. On my back, on my left side (the kidney they removed) there are no incisions. I feel deep soreness. With that being said, I am still doing my breathing exercises, drinking my couple liters of water, walking and progressing. Everyday I can do a little more. Today I was able to bend down and grab something off the bottom shelf of the refrigerator.

Ethan is struggling a bit mentally. He is upset because everyone is on his case to drink more. They are on his case because the more he drinks and flushes that gorgeous kidney he has, the more chance for it to remain healthy.

We are now entering the phase of transitioning from the kid that is “critically ill” to the kid “formally known as critically ill” (like Prince) . His body wouldn’t allow him to feel the way a medically unchallenged person feels. He is now crossing the line from end stage disease, to normal function.

Ethan terms it as PTSD and he just wants to leave. They are ready to send him home medicinally, with the caveat that he is drinking 2-3 liters a day. He doesn’t want to (because he is stubborn) do what everyone is telling him to do, so now he has built a wall of anger and no complying. What is this? The twilight zone?

He is the ticket to his freedom and he isn’t choosing it and is mad with his decision. What? I want to shake him and say “get your head out of your butt”. With refusing to talk to a psychologist and threats of getting himself discharged against medical advice, we had quite the exchange this evening, all appropriate though.

He doesn’t feel in control. Hell is present and lurking around. We chatted for a while about his expectations and things bothering him. I told him he needs to “kick hell in the balls”. He is literally his own ticket out the hospital. He has all the control.

I never would have thought we would have this kind of emotional turmoil. I am NOT a professional either. With his refusal of talking to someone that is actually educated in this area, it falls a lot on me. Oh boy….don’t screw it up. You get what you pay for in this case.

Tomorrow is my first time going to see him at the hospital since I was released last Wednesday. I have done very well flushing my Solitary kidney and really resting. I had great help with me. Paul departed today and made it home safely.

I will likely feel tired tomorrow, but will get through it. I wonder if his new kidney will recognize me.