Ethan’s Journey

 Happy Leap Year! Wow!  We had a bit of a wintertime mix today. It was so beautiful. Snow is such a pain in the ass to shovel, get off your car, trudge through, but it is just so pretty. Paul likes it to snowmobile, but this season has been especially terrible and depressing for our snowmobiles! There were big fat flakes falling down from the sky! I took a comp day today. I spent my comp day actually deep cleaning my house. Shampooing the rugs and couch, bathing all 3 dogs and washing their bedding. Washing our bedding and towels. Mopping everything. Meal prep for the next 3-4 weeks for Paul and Ethan. And even more.  It didn’t feel like work because I was so much less stressed after it was done. I think about the dog paws on the couch and everyone’s feet trapsing around. I just wanted it cleaned. I sat back this evening and basked in the cleanliness. Ahhhhhh. I feel less tense already. It is something about a clean house that makes you feel settled and accomplished. The ...

My day started off well! The weather was nice, I got my hair done. Then it went on a slippery slope just like the weather, down the tubes. I dubbed today, instead of “hump day”, I called it “I am sick of the bull shit Wednesday”.  My frustration swelled as the day went on. Then this magical thing happened. I looked up from my computer to see my little Avery smiling at me. “Hi” she called. Yay! She popped in at just the right moment.  She just came home to say hi. She was enjoying the weather. She wanted to see the dogs. She even got a snarky “why is she here?” From her brother. Avery went with me to pick up groceries and then helped me put them away. She casually mentioned that she got correspondence from the Honor’s College that said her teachers have recognized her potential. She was so down low about it, like it was no big deal. Ethan was researching more about how to get his class A CDL license. He isn’t happy with his current work situation and wants to explore other opti...

I slept in today until 6:30! I woke up refreshed and ready to tackle the day. It was hard to work with the birds singing, the sunshine shining and the warm weather visiting. I had the windows open. I even saw a frog in the pond which is a little scary. Hope the little dude takes cover for when the cold weather comes back! I couldn’t seem to catch up today. There was always more and I finally called it quits at 7:30 pm.  Ethan had an ok day at work today. He is looking into alternative career options. He is thinking this job might be too hard on his body. It is very dusty and he is finding that he needs to wear a respirator a lot. He is worried it isn’t good for his lungs. I had a crocus pop out today. I do love seeing my flowers! I find the nice weather just erases any bad attitude that I may have. Yay! It’s magic! How is it almost March already????

 I got home from work about 6:30 am. I walked in the door, disrobed, brushed my teeth and climbed into bed. I set my alarm for 11:30 am. I fell hard asleep but woke up with a pounding headache at 9:30. I took some Tylenol and went back to sleep. It took me a bit of just laying in bed with my eyes closed, upset with how my head felt.  At some point I fell back asleep. I heard my alarm go off and incorporated it into my dream. I finally woke up about 5 minutes later. I remember wondering what that noise was. Ha ha. I got myself presentable and slammed some coffee. My first meeting was an hour long. My portion of the meeting is about 10 minutes, but I get so much information from the meeting that I enjoy paying attention. Normally. I struggled today.  I ping ponged between my next 5 meetings and then I thankfully, scheduled a 2 hour break. My today self, thanked my January self for this break. I went back upstairs and slept until just before 5. I then had meetings between 5-...

 I slept on the couch last night. I was freezing when I went to bed. So cold my feet were painful. Paul started snoring and I took it as a sign to move to the couch.  I don’t mind the couch. It is comfy AND I invited Penny to snuggle. I got out the heating blanket, stoked the dirt and ahhhh….slept until almost 9. At some point Jiminy joined me after his morning potty break. Ethan was talkative this morning. I loved it. He was giving me the low down on what was happening while I was gone. Avery and I went to a fund raiser for cancer this afternoon. My today self was not pleased with my few weeks ago self that committed to this.  We got home around 3:30 and I took an hours nap.  Off I went to work. This evening I worked with a lady that I hired months back in Nebraska for one of the clinics I recruited for. She landed here in Rochester and now we are on the same shift. I really like her too! I worked with another girl last week that I had interviewed for a job near New...

  I woke up this morning and had to go down to the front desk for a refill of coffee for my room. I was able to log into work and get a couple hours of work done before heading to the conference to be pleasant and social.  I packed all my things up and met my coworker for breakfast. I really liked her. She makes me laugh.  We headed to the conference and created different fake scenario’s of the lives of other vendors around us. This kept us laughing and entertained at the outlandish stories we came up with. I grabbed an Uber to the airport and started my long journey home. I hoped everything would be on time. I am not looking forward to going into work tomorrow night as I know I am going to be tired. I do like to use weekends to recoup, but since I am working all weekend, I will go into the work week with no days off. Boo! This is temporary. I am switching to once a month Sundays which will align better with my mental health needs. I was approached to be on an advisory bo...

 I woke up this morning and I am not sure what happened in my sleep, but even my eyebrow (just one) was completely awry. Man. I must have slept pretty hard. My co-worker and I (we hit it off pretty well) got to the conference about 9:30am and left about 6:45 pm. We then went to dinner and got back to the hotel a little after 8 pm. THEN…..I had to catch up on my emails and process offer letters.  The conferences are exhausting but we are connecting well to the people we need to be. I would call it a success. To morrow will be a long day. Finish up at the conference, catch a plane and hopefully, if all goes well, get back home around midnight. Hopefully I will sleep well again tonight. Well enough that I have a messy eyebrow in the morning. Happy Birthday Nana!!!!!

 Today went well but was Avery long. I woke up with my headache and it was worse. It hurt so bad I was getting nauseous. I had a good pep talk with myself that I needed to get it together. I need to rally all my energy to get through this day.  I met my coworker for breakfast. I scoped out where the bathroom was in case I had to vomit. Not a good situation. I started with a banana.  One bite. My stomach wasn’t sure what to do with it.  Another bite. Ok…I am ok. I waited about 5 minutes to let things settle before a third bite.  I slowly started to feel better. I had increased my water intake in case I hadn’t gotten enough yesterday with traveling. I do notice that days I don’t drink enough, the following day I don’t feel well. I finished the banana and decided I was already feeling better! Yay! I had some potatos too. Yum. They tasted good. By the end of breakfast, my headache was gone. The day went well with the amount of leads we retrieved. Did you know that t...

 I was at the airport bright and early. With my lack of sleep, I was carrying a headache with me. I just feel heavy and exhausted.  I don’t mind traveling alone. I am content not talking to people. I do try to practice being kind. In doing so, I made a conscious effort to not say “you too” when I was told to have a good flight. It’s so automatic. Luckily I was able to pull it off. I didn’t say it one time. As soon as I got on the plane, I put in my noise cancelling ear buds and they were amazing. I turned on my noise app and put it on the sound of rain on a tin roof. I was startle sleeping. I kept jolting awake. I napped on both my flights. It wasn’t good napping though. At one point I was dreaming I was having coffee and woke up. Then I was made I didn’t actually have coffee. Weird stuff like that. I took my ear buds out for about 15 minutes and had to put them back in because a guy behind me kept sniffing. Instead of blowing his nose he kept sniffing. I was so annoyed with i...

 I spent some time with my Sarah today. She is letting me borrow a bed frame for Liam’s new room. We went to lunch and she lifted my spirits. I was less crabby after she left. I am just tired. I am feeling a bit bummed because Ethan is not really enjoying his new job like he had hoped. It’s hard to watch your kid suffer. He has been feeling pretty down the past few days. He is deciding what his next steps are. He is developing a plan B. The alarm is set for 3:00 am. Gotta catch a flight. 

I did feel tired during my shift overnight. I couldn’t tell if it was more or about the same feeling of tired as last week or the week before, when I tried napping before my shift. I did have some excitement with so fun cat wrangling. I had a super angry cat that was trying to kill everything in its path. I feel like I can identify with this cat because if I were put in a situation where I thought my life was threatened, I would also fight as hard as I could. Poor kitty. He was trying to bite and scratch at our faces and bodies. It was a quick several moments (on two separate occasions) but no one was harmed. That is the exciting part. I also had a pretty sick, cranky patient that had a foul mouth. He was making all sorts of animal swear word noises but was actually a pretty sweet guy. I loved him. He would excessively vocally complain, but was totally cooperative and brave. I was so proud of him. His owner was so nice and I could tell just loved his little guy. What I don’t like, is w...

 Today I slept in a little so I am going to try and not nap before my all nighter shift. We will see how it goes. I am feeling like my weekends are cut so short. I have started dreading weekends because I have to rush to get everything done that I want before going to work Sunday nights. Laundry, cleaning, dog maintenance, rabbit maintenance. I gave the dogs their weekly spa day yesterday. They got their nails trimmed and were bathed. Washed their bedding etc. my nose is so sensitive. I could smell them. Eww! I haven’t done their maintenance in 2 weeks. Ahhhh. The boys do help out. But Paul was away snowmobiling this weekend and Ethan had stuff going on too. I think I might have to consider an every other Sunday night shift. I told myself I would give it a month with every weekend. I also shared that before I was hired on, so at least I put it out there and everyone was on the same page about it. I did wallow in feeling overwhelmed today. Boo. I couldn’t shut my brain off. You have...

Ethan had texted me and was angry about how much tax was taken out of his paycheck. This is his first adult, full-time job. I remember so clearly when I had these exact feelings after I got my adult real, full-time job. I was pissed. We bonded over this chat.  I shared with him that my coping skill was just not to look at that portion of my paystub. It can get overwhelming and cause anger about the people that are abusing the system. I am all for helping those that need it. But it does puss me off when I know some people are abusing it. I feel all adults go through this realization and anger about it when they start their adult full time jobs. I know Paul and I did when we first started out. I can remember us venting about it to one another. When going through this stage of life, I just wanted to feel validated in my anger. That was the approach I took while talking to Ethan. Then, because our phones are always listening, this popped up in one of my social media feeds! I shared it ...

 Yay! It’s Friday! Today was hectic, except for the 2 1/2 hour lunch I had with a friend who also LOVES Margarita’s restaurant as much as I do. She even has a favorite waiter there. She said she was so excited to go, she had been thinking about it all week.  Work has been extra jam packed trying to learn new clinics, update ads, create outreach and then continue doing recruiting for the other hospitals I have with jobs that need to be filled. Ahhhhhh! My plan is to work on things a bit more in the morning before anyone gets up. Also, when I am traveling next week I can try to play catch up at the airport.  I went to pick up groceries and go to the bank. I put groceries away, did some laundry and then BOOM! It was 9:00 pm. I am finding that I am struggling to find balance between the two jobs and life. My second job limits me to what I can do on Saturdays. Saturday nights specifically. I can’t be overly tired going into the ER. It is non-negotiable. It is hard to nap on Su...

 I was watching the weather from the cozy comfort of my home today as I worked. The birds were pecking away at the suet. The fire was roaring. I was watching the snowflakes flutter down from the sky peacefully  I needed to grab firewood which had to walk outside for. The cold was biting and rude. Ugh! No thank you! I scurried back inside with the wood.  I collected more tax documents today. At some point it would be nice to get our taxes done. I did do a little more work to prepare for our faux adoptive kid to move in. Ethan’s buddy is going to move into our basement soon. He needed a change in his living situation and support system. We have been getting our ducks in a row over the past few weeks to accommodate this. I have graduated from collecting animals, to collecting people. Ethan seems to be less tired now that he is acclimating to his job. Yay! He goes for blood work in two weeks. He has been drinking more so I am hoping he sees the positive results from that. I t...

 Happy Valentine’s Day! Yup, those are testicles. Vet med humor! Today I called the state to find out about Ethan’s Medicaid/Medicare coverage and if he was going to lose coverage because he has a new job. They needed to get Ethan’s consent to talk to me, twice! The same guy made Ethan go through his information with social security number, address etc! TWICE! Then when we finally went to ask the question about what would happen to his coverage. The response was that he couldn’t help me with that. We had to sign up for a phone call from someone to call me to ask that question too. We should receive that phone call within the next 7 days. We got this number off of Ethan’s SSI paperwork for the government’s chose to work program. If he loses coverage, his work plan is terrible.  My patience was out the window by the end of that call. Basically I had to use Ethan as a puppet and tell him the information to ask. I just don’t understand why this needs to be? Ethan gave permission f...

 Phew! Today was long. I played catch up for work, before and after work. I know this will improve over the next week or so, but it is just a long day. I did notice the sun peaking out. The snow flakes were large, like big spider webs falling from the sky. So pretty. It made me think of Avery. Then she texted me. We were sub consciously connecting….OR it was coincidence. I cranked up the fire and snuggled in the house to stay warm and cozy. I also made some soup for myself and pork with stuffing for the boys. I did eat some of it to evaluate my cooking. It passed. I liked it. Ethan seems to be settling in at his job. He likes it. He has bought more tools to prepare for tasks at work. He was excited because some car parts he has been eagerly awaiting arrived today! He excitedly unwrapped them. He requested to watch TV tonight. I loved it. I just kept working away on my computer. Paul was recently promoted to a new position. He went from being employed by a contract company to Stella...

 Work was fairly quiet last night. We had a few surgeries right off the bat, and then it settled down. I welcomed that it wasn’t too crazy. It did make the time go a little slower.  We did have to deal with someone under the influence of something. I even had to touch them to wake them up. I was actually hoping they weren’t dead. They were slumped over in their chair and having trouble staying conscious. Luckily they had a ride.  I also inquired about where to put the garbage. After hearing about this convoluted way to get significantly separated from the clinic, outside in the dark, in the middle of the night in the city. I simply stated “well I am not doing that.” It was not safe. I like 20/20 but don’t want to be a featured story. We came up with an alternative plan that kept us all safe. I ended up staying a little late due to lack of support help on the morning shift. I stuck around a little longer to help my counter part. I was tired driving home. I made sure to kee...

 Ooffff! I woke up at 5am. The next 24 hours should be interesting pulling an all nighter. Ethan was excited because the puppy bowl was going to be on. He has watched the puppy bowl for years, including when he was in ICU! He went and looked at all the puppies. We watched together. It’s done really well and even humorous! We laughed out loud at the commentators several times. I got about a half hour nap. I prepared for my 2 1/2 hours of multiple meeting tomorrow, starting at noon. My alarm will be set at 11:45.  I also took Penny for a walk. She loved it. It was good for me! I am hoping the exercise will help me feel less tired at 3:00 am.  My prediction will be that the ER will be quiet until after the Super Bowl. Then all stuff will hit the fan. Last Sunday was nuts. I am pleased with what I accomplished this weekend. I made donations at Goodwill! Get the crap out of our house!

 Today was so pleasant for a day in February. Avery popped home and we took the dogs for a walk. That was in between continuing to clean the basement, folding my clothes, running laundry, grocery shopping and dropping off donations at goodwill. I also went to the bank. It was a busy day. On our walk, we ran into one of our neighbors. They shared that their grandson had a kidney issue last fall. He spent several weeks in the hospital. I felt terrible for them, but he is doing much better. I thought it was nice of her to share that with me.  It was nice to see Avery. She is deciding which research project she is going to work on this summer. Her anxiety has been a little better over the past few days. Avery went back to school to “work on physics homework”. The funny part is…she will actually be working on physics homework.  Ethan worked on his car today. He is really placing value on weekends now. He was tired. I am tired too. I think we may have a “tired” gene or somethin...

 The weather was inviting today. I took a stroll around the yard mid morning. I have bulbs coming up. I took a moment to close my eyes and use my other senses to “see” the outdoors. I could hear the neighbors chickens cockle-doodle-dooing in the distance. I felt the wind in my hair and heard the birds singing their mating calls to one another. It smelled fresh. It was peaceful. I think everyone in our house is glad it is Friday. I was exhausted this morning. How does that happen? I woke up tired and kind of dumb-ish. I was running slow for sure. Not even coffee helped. Paul needed me to take a picture of him for work. He needed a head shot on a neutral background. I told him I had one already and would text it to him to submit. He thought this was great news. Of course he should know better. This is the picture I found and sent.  This made Paul laugh. Ethan also chuckled. Avery is trying to decide what research project she is going to work on over the summer. She has a couple ...

 I had one of my team mates tell me she wished I was our team leader. I found this very humbling and a tremendous compliment. You never really see yourself from someone else’s perspective. It made my day. Work has been kicking my butt with the amount of things I have to finish. If I do it right in the beginning, I will thank myself down the line. After work, we went out to dinner with my mom and Gene. The restaurant we went to wasn’t overly busy, was quiet and perfect for visiting. It was decorated cutely with hearts in preparation for Valentine’s Day.  All of us had a delicious meal. Everything was perfectly cooked and seasoned. The fresh bread was warm. Yum! The chairs weren’t that comfortable, but do-able. We were sitting right next to a big window, so I became hypothermic. I felt as though I was trapped under the ice. My feet were frozen. I was thrilled that my seat warmer worked so fast. It was a fun evening.

Things went well today. Avery called this morning and shared that she may have an opportunity for a research job this summer. Her anxiety is still getting the best of her, but she is talking with her doctor to create a plan. Ethan didn’t text me today, so I assume that his job went well. I am crazy busy. My schedule is full to the brim! Back to back meetings. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also know if I do my work now, it will set me up for success in the future!  Tonight I went with Paul’s sister out to a bar in Fairport. We went to watch Paul’s cousin sing karaoke. She was really good. It was a distillery and was decorated so cool. It was in an old warehouse. It had old Victorian furniture and dramatic lighting.  There was a live band for the karaoke singers. The band was great and played a lot of songs from the 80’s and 90’s. Normally when I think of karaoke I think of off tune scratchy singers. This was not the case. I never go out. I am glad I did. I had a ...

Grief is a sucky thing to go through. There is really no clear cut end. It changes us as people. I have a few friends recently that have had parents or grandparents pass away. It is devastating. Then life goes on for everyone else, but not you. You are stationary and go through the motions of life but don’t seem to move. Yuck!  Ethan is going through a bit of grieving. He is discovering how you have to juggle your time. He is learning the feeling of being exhausted after a shift. His anxiety has also ramped up. His brain went on overload yesterday afternoon and he was struggling a bit. He got through it though. It is a an adjustment process. He has trouble with worrying about time. We have bred anxious kids. I remember when I first started working full time and I remember having a bit of a melt down that I would have to do this for 40 more years…if felt overwhelming. We get used to it over time but it is a big transition. We will see how it plays out.

 I got home around 6:45 this morning. I took a nap until 11:30. I had to get up and brush my hair for my 2 1/2 hours of Monday meetings. I had some slight bed head. My coworkers are supportive and mean girl tease me, which I love. I actually didn’t feel overly tired until about 8:00 pm. My brain then went into shut down mode.   I finally got the call from the Rochester Heart failure office, which will be taking over Ethan’s adult care for his transplant support. We have an appointment in March. Ethan started his new job. He really liked it. We fill out his W-4 form. I imagine he will be tired this week. He said everyone seemed nice. Avery was feeling better with her rescue medication dose regulated. Hopefully her increased dose of regular anxiety medication will kick in soon. My eyes are heavy and I now have to rest. Good night!💤  Happy Birthday Brooke.

 Happy Birthday Ethan! Yay! Ethan and I chatted this morning. He got a visit from Mema and Beba. Then he had his buddies over for the afternoon.  I ordered them a pizza.  I took a nap and prepared for my first shift at the emergency vet. I wasn’t sure what I was going to walk into. It is a little overwhelming when you don’t know where anything is or how to use the software.  Everyone is in the same boat. We are doing the best we can.  Everyone was so nice. It was nice to touch pets again. I took lunch around 3:00 am. It was so busy, the night flew by.

 My brother came to visit today. That was fun. We visited with my mom. Avery came home and was able to visit too.  I could tell she wasn’t herself. She was fighting tears a few times. She is feeling so out of sorts. We picked up her  medication so she can start her increased dose of her anxiety medication. I talked her into taking her rescue medication to take the edge off. She really tried to hang in there to go to dinner with us to celebrate Ethan’s birthday. She was feeling like she had to get back to school and retreat to her room. Poor girl.  She describes her Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) (she has been diagnosed by a doctor) as feeling a tightness in her chest. She feels overwhelmed with feelings of impending doom and terror. She feels like everyone is annoyed by her existence. She KNOWS her thoughts are irrational. It frankly sounds like a horrific state of mind. Mental illness is not something to ignore. Ethan brought his buddy to dinner with us and we h...

 I woke up and my stomach felt normal. Yay! Must have been a virus. I was wondering why my body was reacting like that to stress as I have been in far more stressful situations than starting a new job. I did a bit of work and then met Avery for her anxiety appointment at 8:40 am. We met at the doctors office. She was already in the room when I got there. We chatted like little school girls until the doctor came in. The kids have noticed that sometimes this doctor doesn’t always seem to listen, so I was there to offer support if that happened. I really wanted to make sure that Avery was happy with whatever plan they came up with, before leaving, because sometimes she gets anxious about speaking up and worries. I left that appointment, went home and picked up Ethan and headed to the eye doctor. This is a new doctor for him, so I wanted to make sure they had all the info. People hear about all of Ethan’s medical history and it takes a minute for them to process because he looks so hea...

 Ethan has accepted an apprenticeship he applied for. He starts next week and will work with a mentor to continue learning how to do collision repair and fabrication (he does have some experience). Because of this, we had to report a change in status of employment with the social security office.  I went online because that would be easiest! Denied! Got the red letters stating I would have to call. Ugh!  I called the local office and they weren’t accepting calls. I then called the national number. I knew this was going to be a bit of a circus, so I called around 3:20. I had all my cards ready, Ethan was by my side so he could help navigate the conversation. We don’t really know what questions we will be asked. Typically they ask us something and we scramble to find the information. A recording said it was an estimated 59 minute wait. Eye roll! I sat on the phone for 83 minutes before someone answered. We had a 7 minute conversation. That was all I needed. Ethan and I repo...